Happy

Just felt like writing a little tonight...I sometimes still go back at look at the blogs I followed in my deepest time of grief...that gave me some consolation to know I was not alone and hope for a rainbow baby. I have to say, at this moment I felt the neee to write just how happy and full of joy my heart is. There is always going to be a part of me that misses Daniel and wonder what he would be like and what life would have been like with him growing up here with us. The scars remain, but the wounds are healed. If someone would have told me 2 years ago that I could be this happy I would have said yeah right...no way.  I was too sad...I couldn't see beyond my tears and the pain was too fresh. I am so grateful to be able to spend my entire summer days with my sweet girl and marvel at every new thing she learns and every cute thing she does. She is incredible and makes me so happy. I am so thankful for my family.

Untitled

I couldn't think of a title for this post....I am just so sad for another person who has experienced the loss of her baby. The daughter of a fellow teacher lost her baby at 18 weeks recently. When she told me, all the raw grief of losing Daniel came rushing back in an instant.  I remember so vividly what those first days and weeks were like. The feeling emptiness in my body...the feeling of helplessness...the worst imaginable pain and heartache greater than I ever thought possible.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Daniel...but even more so now. My heart still aches and my arms still long to hold him. Such a precious life that I was privleged to carry.

The question that still stings

17 months after losing our Daniel...Our sweet Madeline is 5 1/2 months old and everyone just oohs and ahhs over her anytime we go out...she is so adorable so of course I can't blame them! We talk a little, Maddie gives a big smile, and then they ask that question. "Is she your first?" Part of me wants to say no, part of me wonders why they would even ask that when Tyler and I are both there with her, and the other part just smiles and nods yes because I don't feel like making things awkward for the person asking.  It still hurts though. I still feel that twinge and that little bit of guilt for saying "yes" because as amazing and wonderful and incredibly loved as Maddie is, she's not our first child. She just isn't.

I have to say though, that it is so good to feel joy again... a joy I've never known before...my heart is so full and happy when I hold my baby girl. Being a mom is definitely hard in a lot of ways...but even  those most challenging moments are quickly put into perspective when I remember what a blessing it is to have her here and I am grateful for very moment with her...moments I will never have with her brother. 

One Year

One year ago today we left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels longer.  It still hurts....a lot. Even a quick fleeting thought about our little boy brings tears fast.  What a year it has been. Daniel's sister (Madeline Claire)  was born right on her due date 2 weeks ago. She is an incredible blessing and a beautiful baby. I find myself often wondering what kind of baby Daniel would have been like....would he have the same funny facial expressions as Maddie...would he be a good sleeper....what would it be like to have our baby boy here who would be 7 months old had he been born when he was due in October.  I will always wonder why and what if. Maddie brings us so much happiness but there will always be a piece of my heart that lives in Heaven.

"Is this your first?"

I HATE getting asked this question these days.  I'm sure I've asked it in the past not knowing all the pain it can cause to someone who has lost a baby.  Mostly, I try to tell people about Daniel when I can.  But sometimes, I just can't given the situation.  Yesterday I met someone who is 9 weeks pregnant with her first.  When she asked me about my pregnancy and if this little girl is my first, I had no choice but to say yes.  I wasn't about to scare and worry her by telling her my experience and that a positive pregnancy test doesn't always mean you get to bring your baby home 9 months later.  It hurt me so much to lie and have to pretend for a minute that Daniel never existed.  I woke up thinking about it and couldn't hold back my tears any longer.  Starting the day crying just exhausts and drains me for the rest of the day. It's still such a struggle to balance and make room in your heart for both grief and joy at the same time.  I want both of my babies here with me.

I still cry for you, Daniel

Lately the tears have been catching me more frequently.  I'm not sure what it is….maybe it's the holiday season and knowing that our little boy should have been here celebrating with us, maybe it's the stronger movements I feel with our baby girl and knowing I never felt those strong kicks with Daniel, maybe it's seeing a baby boy once in awhile that is about the same age Daniel would be now.  Whatever it is that seems to trigger the tears lately, it's a painful reminder that I will carry this hurt for the rest of my life.  As much as it still hurts, I am grateful for the joy this little girl has brought us and will continue to bring us.  She is truly a blessing and I love her SO much.  Hoping these next 4 months go fast because I am excited to enjoy my baby girl.  I've learned that hurt and joy coexist….they have to.  I feel both at the same time, every minute of every day.

It's a girl!!!

After much anticipation, prayer, and doing my best to keep my worry under control, we had our anatomy ultrasound on Wednesday. Our 2nd child is a healthy little girl!!!!
I was so blessed to feel some wiggles and kicks right before our appointment that gave me great reassurance. The appointment that broke our hearts last time was a wonderfully happy one this time.  I am now more pregnant than I ever have been before and it feels great!

I guess I am not surprised that the worry remains....but I try my best push it away. I hold onto the St. Gerard medal that I wear around my neck and say a little prayer every time the worry starts to creep in. I do feel my little girl moving around at least once or twice a day now which is the best feeling in the world! I am so excited to start feeling those bigger kicks -- hopefully soon!  For now I am working on enjoying the moment and keeping faith that this little girl WILL be coming home with us in May :)