6 months

As we were walking out of church this morning, it was a beautiful and sunny day. It was warm enough that I just wore a long-sleeved shirt and made a comment about how it was so nice to have a warm, sunny day like this more than halfway through November. Tyler checked the date on his watch and said it was the 18th....and that it has been six months since Daniel's birthday. Six months since we left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. Six months since we were at the lowest and most devastating point in our lives.  Six months since our dreams for our son and the life we would share together were taken so suddenly from us. Six months since I last carried him.....it doesn't seem possible.

I write this with tear-stained cheeks and a heart that is still hurting for Daniel. Everywhere I go there is a reminder of the upcoming holidays. I was so excited for our newborn baby to spend his first Thanksgiving and Christmas with us. The baby I now carry gives us a great hope for our future and joy to come, but it is still hard to navigate this time knowing we will never get to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner or sit around our family Christmas tree with Daniel.

A lot has happened in six months.  The pain does become less intense, but it still stings and it still hurts. As I move forward into the next six months I have faith and pray that God will bless us with the birth of this baby, alive and healthy.

Thankful

Most of the posts I write are venting some tough feelings. I thought today called for a thankful and happy post.
Over the weekend I started getting some cramps. Last night they got pretty bad and I really started to worry. It is so hard to keep my mind from being like a runaway train when I worry..... but I'm trying to work on that. I decided to call my doctor's office first thing this morning and tell them about th painful cramps. I wanted to at the very least go in and hear baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. I ended up being scheduled to see my doctor even though I had just seen her this Thursday.  I said more prayers than I can count before I went today. There are also some particular pieces of Scripture that I have been really focusing on these days.  I cling to my St. Gerard medals and my rosary. By the grace of God, I have been able to, for the most part, maintain my composure despite my anxiety these days.

I was so thankful and overjoyed to hear our baby's strong heartbeat almost as soon as the nurse put the Doppler on my belly.  My doctor gave me a thorough exam and said all looks good. She did send me for some lab work, but hopefully that will come back clear and I will not have cramps that scare me like that again.

I know our prayers are being answered and we are so grateful. I am still not exactly sure why my prayers were not answered in the way I would have liked them to be with Daniel, but I am praising God for the living child I now carry and continue to have faith in a happy ending for this pregnancy. 


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7 NIV

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

It bothers me when...

People complain about their pregnancies or the difficulty of raising their children!! I know there are challenges and unpleasant times with both, but I just want to scream at them, "Don't you know how lucky you are?!?!"  I would love to have my son living here with me now, even if it means he wakes me up at 5am each day. As long as the baby I now carry is alive and well, I do not mind making the sacrifices of being sick, tired, achy, and all that can come with being pregnant.  Daniel has given us many great gifts.....one is that we will love, cherish and be so much more thankful and patient when we parent our living children.  Because we know the alternative - and we pray our hearts never have to know that pain again.

14 weeks

I am 14 weeks and 2 days today.  I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I was feeling so nervous that I just knew I would not be able to make it through the weekend. So, I thankfully was able to get my appointment moved up to this past Thursday afternoon.  It is so reassuring to hear baby's heartbeat (I could listen to that beautiful sound all day). The reassurance is usually short-lived and I go back to being worried soon after. Sometimes I think I feel some little wiggles, but I know it is still early and I have to wait longer to feel some more movements that will put my mind at ease. It is just so hard to trust and believe everything is going to be okay this time, especially because we do not know why Daniel's heart stopped beating when I was in the supposedly "safe" second trimester.  We need this baby to come home with us, alive and healthy. We keep praying that he or she will.

Praying for our Rainbow

13 weeks pregnant….the time when most women breathe a huge sigh of relief in their pregnancies. As I enter my second trimester for the second time this year, I am happy, sad, excited, scared, anxious, and so much more.   We have had several ultrasounds so far and heard this little one's heartbeat twice now on the doppler.  Our NT scan and first trimester screening results were very good.  I should have no reason to worry….but I do.  I found myself sobbing today and begging God to please spare us the pain of losing another child.  I am trying to trust again, but it is so, so hard.  

I hear and see birth announcements and I wonder if we will ever get there.  Others announce their pregnancies with such joy and carefree excitement.  I try to hide mine and keep my emotions guarded.  I am tired of living in anxiety and fear.  It is exhausting and no fun.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy.  I know I will never get this time back.  I do write love letters to this little baby in a journal with the hope that he or she will be able to read them someday.  I try to take comfort in the fact that many people are praying for us and that we too are lifting this little one in prayer every night.  But still, the fear remains.      

I understand now that in our brokenness and pain, God can work all things for our good.  My heart still hurts for Daniel, but maybe I am even at the point of acceptance in my grief.  God has already worked some beautiful things out of our tragedy.  I know in my mind that He works all things for our good and His glory, but in my heart I am saying, "Please, please don't allow us to suffer like that again."  I have to believe our prayers will be answered and this pregnancy will end with the birth of a live and healthy baby.     

Days like these are tough

It's days like these that I miss Daniel the most.  A whole Saturday, with nothing much to do except think about how much I miss my little boy.  Tyler had to work today so I am home by myself.  Poor guy, he is sick and I really wish he could have stayed home today for that reason especially.

I finally worked up the motivation to shower, get dressed, go get gas, go to the bank, and take a walk.  But really, I was feeling so down that I didn't feel like doing anything.  A friend was having a party this evening….I thought about going, but didn't feel up to it.  It takes a lot of energy for me to be in social situations since losing my baby.  It's hard to put on that happy face and make small talk.  It especially makes me uneasy to be around people who don't know about my loss because I dread they may ask if I have any children.  I haven't had to deal with that one yet.  I'm sure it will come up eventually…..but I'm glad I have avoided it thus far.  It shouldn't be this way.  I should be taking care of my newborn son today and dealing with every joy and challenge that a new baby brings.  

Due Date

Today was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  The date we had looked forward to for so long since our first prenatal doctor's appointment last February.  The date I had put in my calendar with exclamation points and smiley faces.  A day that I had hoped would bring happiness and new life around the time that carries much sadness in our family (Tyler's brother Shawn died suddenly of a heart attack on 10/8/09).  But no, it is a day that adds to the sadness.  Never in a million years did I think I would be visiting our son's grave instead of holding him in my arms this day.  It makes me so sad to think of what could have been and what might have been.  Would we be in the hospital labor and delivery tonight?  Would we be holding our son in our arms?  Would we still be anxiously awaiting his arrival?  So many questions and no answers.  It is also the end of an era so to speak….the official end of my pregnancy time period with Daniel.  No more thinking, I would be 30 weeks or 35 weeks or whatever today.  No more wondering how big my belly would be or how I would be feeling or what his kicks would feel like.  Yes, it made me very sad to think about those things over the past few months, but it is also sad to pass this milestone.

We tried to make the best of the day.   I could help but start crying even before I got out of bed.  But Tyler and I held each other tight and it is a good feeling to know neither of us have to go through this alone.  We went to church a little early and lit and candle for our sweet little boy.  Tyler also had a great idea to cut some mums from our yard to take to the cemetery.  We went to the cemetery after church and the fall flowers looked so beautiful laid on his stone.  We took a drive, did a little shopping, and went to dinner.  Glad the day is almost over.  I love you so much Daniel, and I always will!