Saint Gerard

My grandmother first told me about Saint Gerard a few months after Daniel died.  I went to her house to visit over the summer.  We talked about Daniel and about the baby that she miscarried almost 60 years ago.  She told me how she prayed a St. Gerard prayer every day while she was pregnant with my dad.  Being raised Roman Catholic, I knew there was a Patron Saint for just about everything, but had never heard of St. Gerard before.  I have experienced the power of intercessory prayers in the past….mainly when I lost something important and prayed for St. Anthony to help me find it.  I went home and searched the internet to learn more about St. Gerard.  I learned that a woman accused him of fathering her child.  He truly "turned the other cheek" and did not fight her accusations even though they were false.  The woman later repented.  I just found this article today….it was written on his feast day this year (October 16th) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-capecchi/st-gerard-majella-pregnant-women-patron-saint_b_1962214.html
I was not yet pregnant again at the time, but I decided to order some prayer cards, a Novena prayer booklet, and I was surprised to find a St. Gerard Motherhood kit that contained prayers, medals, and a small statue.  http://www.catholicgiftstores.com/st-gerard-intercessory-prayer-kit-p-sgemk02.html


When my things arrived, I unexpectedly found a prayer for Motherhood.  I thought the prayers were just for those who were already expecting.  We began praying this beautiful prayer and very soon after conceived this little baby I now carry.

Prayer to St. Gerard for Motherhood

O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, and wonder worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help.  You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will.  Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven.  Amen.

Ever since we found out we are expecting again, we have prayed this prayer every night:

Prayer to St. Gerard for a Safe Delivery 

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love.  O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

19 weeks

This is the week that my pregnancy with Daniel ended.  We went to our anatomy ultrasound so full of joy and excitement, only to have all of that taken away in an instant.  All of our hopes and dreams for our first child were crushed.  Our hearts….feeling pain like they had never felt before.  

This time IS going to be different.  I have been feeling flicks and flutters lately which are so wonderful and reassuring- way more movement than I ever felt with Daniel.  I am trying my best to think positive, happy thoughts.  I go to yoga.  I pray more than I ever have.  I trust God that He is protecting this baby and answering our prayers with a "Yes!".  I believe Daniel is the best guardian angel his little brother or sister could ask for.  I believe in the power of intercessory prayer through the Blessed Mother and St. Gerard (the Patron Saint of Expectant Mothers).   It is still difficult, though.  There is that bit of fear that is creeping in….a shield that I don't want to completely take down because I am scared.  In addition to the anxiety over this particular ultrasound for this new baby, it is hard to have all of the painful memories from May 15th come rushing back.  I tried to make the things I could control, different.  May 15th was a Tuesday and our appointment was in the afternoon.  This time, the ultrasound is scheduled for December 12th, a Wednesday, in the morning.  I was 19 weeks 2 days the day of Daniel's ultrasound.  I will be 19 weeks 5 days with this baby.

The time seems to be going by fast, at least.  I think part of that has to do with the fact that I haven't made any big announcements, so I don't have people constantly throughout the work day asking me about my pregnancy.  Well-meaning, I'm sure, but just not talking about it seems to make the time go by a lot faster!  Plus, the first half of the school year always seems to fly by and the second half drags.  I think that has something to do with it, too.  Hopefully the next 21 weeks will go by just as quick because I am excited to meet this little baby, healthy and alive in my arms!  It WILL happen!!!

6 months

As we were walking out of church this morning, it was a beautiful and sunny day. It was warm enough that I just wore a long-sleeved shirt and made a comment about how it was so nice to have a warm, sunny day like this more than halfway through November. Tyler checked the date on his watch and said it was the 18th....and that it has been six months since Daniel's birthday. Six months since we left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. Six months since we were at the lowest and most devastating point in our lives.  Six months since our dreams for our son and the life we would share together were taken so suddenly from us. Six months since I last carried him.....it doesn't seem possible.

I write this with tear-stained cheeks and a heart that is still hurting for Daniel. Everywhere I go there is a reminder of the upcoming holidays. I was so excited for our newborn baby to spend his first Thanksgiving and Christmas with us. The baby I now carry gives us a great hope for our future and joy to come, but it is still hard to navigate this time knowing we will never get to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner or sit around our family Christmas tree with Daniel.

A lot has happened in six months.  The pain does become less intense, but it still stings and it still hurts. As I move forward into the next six months I have faith and pray that God will bless us with the birth of this baby, alive and healthy.

Thankful

Most of the posts I write are venting some tough feelings. I thought today called for a thankful and happy post.
Over the weekend I started getting some cramps. Last night they got pretty bad and I really started to worry. It is so hard to keep my mind from being like a runaway train when I worry..... but I'm trying to work on that. I decided to call my doctor's office first thing this morning and tell them about th painful cramps. I wanted to at the very least go in and hear baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. I ended up being scheduled to see my doctor even though I had just seen her this Thursday.  I said more prayers than I can count before I went today. There are also some particular pieces of Scripture that I have been really focusing on these days.  I cling to my St. Gerard medals and my rosary. By the grace of God, I have been able to, for the most part, maintain my composure despite my anxiety these days.

I was so thankful and overjoyed to hear our baby's strong heartbeat almost as soon as the nurse put the Doppler on my belly.  My doctor gave me a thorough exam and said all looks good. She did send me for some lab work, but hopefully that will come back clear and I will not have cramps that scare me like that again.

I know our prayers are being answered and we are so grateful. I am still not exactly sure why my prayers were not answered in the way I would have liked them to be with Daniel, but I am praising God for the living child I now carry and continue to have faith in a happy ending for this pregnancy. 


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7 NIV

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

It bothers me when...

People complain about their pregnancies or the difficulty of raising their children!! I know there are challenges and unpleasant times with both, but I just want to scream at them, "Don't you know how lucky you are?!?!"  I would love to have my son living here with me now, even if it means he wakes me up at 5am each day. As long as the baby I now carry is alive and well, I do not mind making the sacrifices of being sick, tired, achy, and all that can come with being pregnant.  Daniel has given us many great gifts.....one is that we will love, cherish and be so much more thankful and patient when we parent our living children.  Because we know the alternative - and we pray our hearts never have to know that pain again.

14 weeks

I am 14 weeks and 2 days today.  I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I was feeling so nervous that I just knew I would not be able to make it through the weekend. So, I thankfully was able to get my appointment moved up to this past Thursday afternoon.  It is so reassuring to hear baby's heartbeat (I could listen to that beautiful sound all day). The reassurance is usually short-lived and I go back to being worried soon after. Sometimes I think I feel some little wiggles, but I know it is still early and I have to wait longer to feel some more movements that will put my mind at ease. It is just so hard to trust and believe everything is going to be okay this time, especially because we do not know why Daniel's heart stopped beating when I was in the supposedly "safe" second trimester.  We need this baby to come home with us, alive and healthy. We keep praying that he or she will.

Praying for our Rainbow

13 weeks pregnant….the time when most women breathe a huge sigh of relief in their pregnancies. As I enter my second trimester for the second time this year, I am happy, sad, excited, scared, anxious, and so much more.   We have had several ultrasounds so far and heard this little one's heartbeat twice now on the doppler.  Our NT scan and first trimester screening results were very good.  I should have no reason to worry….but I do.  I found myself sobbing today and begging God to please spare us the pain of losing another child.  I am trying to trust again, but it is so, so hard.  

I hear and see birth announcements and I wonder if we will ever get there.  Others announce their pregnancies with such joy and carefree excitement.  I try to hide mine and keep my emotions guarded.  I am tired of living in anxiety and fear.  It is exhausting and no fun.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy.  I know I will never get this time back.  I do write love letters to this little baby in a journal with the hope that he or she will be able to read them someday.  I try to take comfort in the fact that many people are praying for us and that we too are lifting this little one in prayer every night.  But still, the fear remains.      

I understand now that in our brokenness and pain, God can work all things for our good.  My heart still hurts for Daniel, but maybe I am even at the point of acceptance in my grief.  God has already worked some beautiful things out of our tragedy.  I know in my mind that He works all things for our good and His glory, but in my heart I am saying, "Please, please don't allow us to suffer like that again."  I have to believe our prayers will be answered and this pregnancy will end with the birth of a live and healthy baby.