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I couldn't think of a title for this post....I am just so sad for another person who has experienced the loss of her baby. The daughter of a fellow teacher lost her baby at 18 weeks recently. When she told me, all the raw grief of losing Daniel came rushing back in an instant.  I remember so vividly what those first days and weeks were like. The feeling emptiness in my body...the feeling of helplessness...the worst imaginable pain and heartache greater than I ever thought possible.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Daniel...but even more so now. My heart still aches and my arms still long to hold him. Such a precious life that I was privleged to carry.

The question that still stings

17 months after losing our Daniel...Our sweet Madeline is 5 1/2 months old and everyone just oohs and ahhs over her anytime we go out...she is so adorable so of course I can't blame them! We talk a little, Maddie gives a big smile, and then they ask that question. "Is she your first?" Part of me wants to say no, part of me wonders why they would even ask that when Tyler and I are both there with her, and the other part just smiles and nods yes because I don't feel like making things awkward for the person asking.  It still hurts though. I still feel that twinge and that little bit of guilt for saying "yes" because as amazing and wonderful and incredibly loved as Maddie is, she's not our first child. She just isn't.

I have to say though, that it is so good to feel joy again... a joy I've never known before...my heart is so full and happy when I hold my baby girl. Being a mom is definitely hard in a lot of ways...but even  those most challenging moments are quickly put into perspective when I remember what a blessing it is to have her here and I am grateful for very moment with her...moments I will never have with her brother. 

One Year

One year ago today we left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels longer.  It still hurts....a lot. Even a quick fleeting thought about our little boy brings tears fast.  What a year it has been. Daniel's sister (Madeline Claire)  was born right on her due date 2 weeks ago. She is an incredible blessing and a beautiful baby. I find myself often wondering what kind of baby Daniel would have been like....would he have the same funny facial expressions as Maddie...would he be a good sleeper....what would it be like to have our baby boy here who would be 7 months old had he been born when he was due in October.  I will always wonder why and what if. Maddie brings us so much happiness but there will always be a piece of my heart that lives in Heaven.

"Is this your first?"

I HATE getting asked this question these days.  I'm sure I've asked it in the past not knowing all the pain it can cause to someone who has lost a baby.  Mostly, I try to tell people about Daniel when I can.  But sometimes, I just can't given the situation.  Yesterday I met someone who is 9 weeks pregnant with her first.  When she asked me about my pregnancy and if this little girl is my first, I had no choice but to say yes.  I wasn't about to scare and worry her by telling her my experience and that a positive pregnancy test doesn't always mean you get to bring your baby home 9 months later.  It hurt me so much to lie and have to pretend for a minute that Daniel never existed.  I woke up thinking about it and couldn't hold back my tears any longer.  Starting the day crying just exhausts and drains me for the rest of the day. It's still such a struggle to balance and make room in your heart for both grief and joy at the same time.  I want both of my babies here with me.

I still cry for you, Daniel

Lately the tears have been catching me more frequently.  I'm not sure what it is….maybe it's the holiday season and knowing that our little boy should have been here celebrating with us, maybe it's the stronger movements I feel with our baby girl and knowing I never felt those strong kicks with Daniel, maybe it's seeing a baby boy once in awhile that is about the same age Daniel would be now.  Whatever it is that seems to trigger the tears lately, it's a painful reminder that I will carry this hurt for the rest of my life.  As much as it still hurts, I am grateful for the joy this little girl has brought us and will continue to bring us.  She is truly a blessing and I love her SO much.  Hoping these next 4 months go fast because I am excited to enjoy my baby girl.  I've learned that hurt and joy coexist….they have to.  I feel both at the same time, every minute of every day.

It's a girl!!!

After much anticipation, prayer, and doing my best to keep my worry under control, we had our anatomy ultrasound on Wednesday. Our 2nd child is a healthy little girl!!!!
I was so blessed to feel some wiggles and kicks right before our appointment that gave me great reassurance. The appointment that broke our hearts last time was a wonderfully happy one this time.  I am now more pregnant than I ever have been before and it feels great!

I guess I am not surprised that the worry remains....but I try my best push it away. I hold onto the St. Gerard medal that I wear around my neck and say a little prayer every time the worry starts to creep in. I do feel my little girl moving around at least once or twice a day now which is the best feeling in the world! I am so excited to start feeling those bigger kicks -- hopefully soon!  For now I am working on enjoying the moment and keeping faith that this little girl WILL be coming home with us in May :)

Saint Gerard

My grandmother first told me about Saint Gerard a few months after Daniel died.  I went to her house to visit over the summer.  We talked about Daniel and about the baby that she miscarried almost 60 years ago.  She told me how she prayed a St. Gerard prayer every day while she was pregnant with my dad.  Being raised Roman Catholic, I knew there was a Patron Saint for just about everything, but had never heard of St. Gerard before.  I have experienced the power of intercessory prayers in the past….mainly when I lost something important and prayed for St. Anthony to help me find it.  I went home and searched the internet to learn more about St. Gerard.  I learned that a woman accused him of fathering her child.  He truly "turned the other cheek" and did not fight her accusations even though they were false.  The woman later repented.  I just found this article today….it was written on his feast day this year (October 16th) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-capecchi/st-gerard-majella-pregnant-women-patron-saint_b_1962214.html
I was not yet pregnant again at the time, but I decided to order some prayer cards, a Novena prayer booklet, and I was surprised to find a St. Gerard Motherhood kit that contained prayers, medals, and a small statue.  http://www.catholicgiftstores.com/st-gerard-intercessory-prayer-kit-p-sgemk02.html


When my things arrived, I unexpectedly found a prayer for Motherhood.  I thought the prayers were just for those who were already expecting.  We began praying this beautiful prayer and very soon after conceived this little baby I now carry.

Prayer to St. Gerard for Motherhood

O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, and wonder worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help.  You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will.  Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven.  Amen.

Ever since we found out we are expecting again, we have prayed this prayer every night:

Prayer to St. Gerard for a Safe Delivery 

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love.  O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.