Praying for our Rainbow

13 weeks pregnant….the time when most women breathe a huge sigh of relief in their pregnancies. As I enter my second trimester for the second time this year, I am happy, sad, excited, scared, anxious, and so much more.   We have had several ultrasounds so far and heard this little one's heartbeat twice now on the doppler.  Our NT scan and first trimester screening results were very good.  I should have no reason to worry….but I do.  I found myself sobbing today and begging God to please spare us the pain of losing another child.  I am trying to trust again, but it is so, so hard.  

I hear and see birth announcements and I wonder if we will ever get there.  Others announce their pregnancies with such joy and carefree excitement.  I try to hide mine and keep my emotions guarded.  I am tired of living in anxiety and fear.  It is exhausting and no fun.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy.  I know I will never get this time back.  I do write love letters to this little baby in a journal with the hope that he or she will be able to read them someday.  I try to take comfort in the fact that many people are praying for us and that we too are lifting this little one in prayer every night.  But still, the fear remains.      

I understand now that in our brokenness and pain, God can work all things for our good.  My heart still hurts for Daniel, but maybe I am even at the point of acceptance in my grief.  God has already worked some beautiful things out of our tragedy.  I know in my mind that He works all things for our good and His glory, but in my heart I am saying, "Please, please don't allow us to suffer like that again."  I have to believe our prayers will be answered and this pregnancy will end with the birth of a live and healthy baby.     

Days like these are tough

It's days like these that I miss Daniel the most.  A whole Saturday, with nothing much to do except think about how much I miss my little boy.  Tyler had to work today so I am home by myself.  Poor guy, he is sick and I really wish he could have stayed home today for that reason especially.

I finally worked up the motivation to shower, get dressed, go get gas, go to the bank, and take a walk.  But really, I was feeling so down that I didn't feel like doing anything.  A friend was having a party this evening….I thought about going, but didn't feel up to it.  It takes a lot of energy for me to be in social situations since losing my baby.  It's hard to put on that happy face and make small talk.  It especially makes me uneasy to be around people who don't know about my loss because I dread they may ask if I have any children.  I haven't had to deal with that one yet.  I'm sure it will come up eventually…..but I'm glad I have avoided it thus far.  It shouldn't be this way.  I should be taking care of my newborn son today and dealing with every joy and challenge that a new baby brings.  

Due Date

Today was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  The date we had looked forward to for so long since our first prenatal doctor's appointment last February.  The date I had put in my calendar with exclamation points and smiley faces.  A day that I had hoped would bring happiness and new life around the time that carries much sadness in our family (Tyler's brother Shawn died suddenly of a heart attack on 10/8/09).  But no, it is a day that adds to the sadness.  Never in a million years did I think I would be visiting our son's grave instead of holding him in my arms this day.  It makes me so sad to think of what could have been and what might have been.  Would we be in the hospital labor and delivery tonight?  Would we be holding our son in our arms?  Would we still be anxiously awaiting his arrival?  So many questions and no answers.  It is also the end of an era so to speak….the official end of my pregnancy time period with Daniel.  No more thinking, I would be 30 weeks or 35 weeks or whatever today.  No more wondering how big my belly would be or how I would be feeling or what his kicks would feel like.  Yes, it made me very sad to think about those things over the past few months, but it is also sad to pass this milestone.

We tried to make the best of the day.   I could help but start crying even before I got out of bed.  But Tyler and I held each other tight and it is a good feeling to know neither of us have to go through this alone.  We went to church a little early and lit and candle for our sweet little boy.  Tyler also had a great idea to cut some mums from our yard to take to the cemetery.  We went to the cemetery after church and the fall flowers looked so beautiful laid on his stone.  We took a drive, did a little shopping, and went to dinner.  Glad the day is almost over.  I love you so much Daniel, and I always will!

October

October has arrived.  I should be starting my maternity leave at the end of this week.  I couldn't help but think at school today, that this should have been my last week of work until the end of January.  I would be wrapping things up and getting everything in order for a sub.  I wonder how big my belly would be….how excited we would be to welcome our little boy in possibly just a few short days….or maybe he would have arrived a week or two early.  But our sweet little October baby arrived long ago……much too soon.  And without a heartbeat.  I still miss him terribly.  I still tear up each day….usually driving to and from school.  Sometimes I still can't believe it's real, that this is my life now.  That my first pregnancy really ended the way it did.  It's not fair.  It never will be.  There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

Fridays

It is Friday.  All week I look forward to the weekend….but then when it finally arrives I feel such intense sadness again.  I guess because all week I am busy and making sure my students are taken care of….Friday hits and then I realize again I have more time to think about me.  I do look forward to catching up on sleep and spending time with Tyler on the weekends, but it's hard to have down time and be missing Daniel terribly.

Today was a particularly tough Friday.  I thought about Daniel nearly every minute of the day.  The day started off by receiving yet another all-staff email from a colleague that she is pregnant.  This is the 4th email in a month.  I get that it is a really happy time for them…..but I just don't see how they can seem so worry free.  Maybe they aren't….but that's the impression I get.  It seems even after knowing what happened to me, everyone is still under the impression that you are somehow "safe" once you pass that magical point of your first trimester ending.  I certainly hope they are and don't have to ever endure the heartache that I have.  I have been avoiding the staff lounge like the plague and just eating lunch in my room because the thought of being around baby talk is just way more than I can handle.  I know I can't expect the rest of the world to stop turning because it feels like mine has…..but sometimes I think it should.

Does anybody know how hard this is????????!!!!!!

It's starting to feel like fall.  The air is cool and crisp, the mums are in bloom, and the leaves are just starting to turn colors.  Normally I love the fall.  But this year it is just a painful reminder that our October baby boy will not be arriving soon.  I dread October 7th.  It's still 3 weeks away and I am already starting to panic about how incredibly hard that day will be.  October 7th was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  I see women with big, pregnant bellies and I can't help but think that I should look like that now.  I should be 37 weeks today.  Full term.  We should be getting ready to welcome our baby boy very soon.  It seems everyone around me is just gliding right through their pregnancies without a care in the world.  Yesterday was 4 months since we learned our sweet boy had died.  Most everything in my world was good on May 14th.  The next day our lives were changed forever.  On  May 15th everything was turned upside down.  I guess my life feels like it can be divided into 2 distinct parts……before May 15th, and after May 15th.  Lately my mind seems to be wandering back to that horrible day.  Babies aren't supposed to die after you pass that "magical" point of the end of the first trimester.  Doctors tell you that cramping and bleeding are signs of a problem.  If you don't have cramping or bleeding, you must be fine, right?  Wrong.  No one told me your baby can die inside of you and you have no idea.  I still feel so cheated…..so robbed……so sad.  I feel hopeful for happier times to come in the future, but the lingering sadness of losing Daniel is still so overwhelming.

A different perspective

I was thinking about all of the people I've met either online or in person and all of the stories I've read as a result of losing Daniel.  I realized how much my perspective has changed in the past few months.  My perspective about everything really…..but one thing in particular is our society's view on others having children.  People just casually ask, "So, are you thinking about having children anytime soon?" or, "I bet so and so would really love a little brother or sister." I remember being at a baby shower once and someone at the table I was sitting at asked another girl if she had any kids.  The girl said no, and then the other person said something along the lines of, "Well, you'll be next!"  The girl just kind of got quiet and looked away.

I used to not think much of these comments and honestly I didn't see why some people got so offended.  I'm ashamed to say that I assumed that if people didn't have children, it was because they didn't want them.  Oh my goodness how much perspective has changed……….not wanting children could certainly be a possibility, but now I have realized that there are SO many more reasons why a couple might not have children.  Heartbreaking reasons.  Maybe they struggle with infertility. Maybe they lost their baby like I did.  Maybe they have had multiple miscarriages and are too weary to try again.

Back in June, we went away for our 3rd wedding anniversary and I got a massage at our hotel.  The masseuse was making small talk and when she found out we had been married for 3 years, she asked if we were planning on starting a family anytime soon.  I was very blunt and honest.  "Umm….we tried.  Our son died when I was 5 months pregnant."  She was pretty compassionate and told me a story about her friend who suffered multiple early losses.  But still…..why do people think they can just ask such a personal and private question like it is no big deal?!  I used to be one of those people…..so I guess I see why.  They don't know any better.  They think they are asking a harmless question.  They don't realize what a big deal it really is.  So, for anyone who may read this that hasn't suffered a loss, think twice before you ask someone that question.  You never know what their journey is about.