3 months

Today is August 15th....3 months ago on May 15th, on what was supposed to be a wonderfully happy day, we found out our baby had died.  I remember the anticipation and excitement leading up to that day of our anatomy scan. I could not wait to see our baby on the screen and find out the gender for sure even though I had a pretty strong feeling we were having a boy.  That very exciting day turned out to be the very worst day of our lives.  It feels more like 3 days instead of 3 months. Later this week it will be the 18th and will be 3 months since Daniel's birthday.  Oh how I wish he was still growing in my belly instead of buried in the ground.

Yesterday was particularly rough. I cried harder and felt more despair than I have in a few weeks. I checked my work email and there was not just one, but two emails from teachers announcing their pregnancies.  I immediately burst into tears. I miss my baby boy. Why do they get to have their babies with them and I don't??  How am I supposed to face them when we pass in the hall or if I have to talk to them about something work-related?  Am I supposed to act as if nothing is wrong when I am seriously envious that their babies are alive and mine is not?  I was so excited and happy when I was pregnant, too. I guess that is how they are feeling now.  They get to be blissfully ignorant about all the things that can possibly go wrong during pregnancy and I know I will never get to experience that kind of innocence again.  Hopefully our exciting and happier days will come again soon.