The experience of losing my son has changed me. I went to a new hair salon yesterday and I do really like my new haircut. When I got home, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Wow, I look like a different person." Then it hit me, I
am a different person now. I am forever changed and will never be the same person I was before losing Daniel. Many things about me are the same, but my perspective has greatly changed. I feel more deeply now. I feel more empathy towards people in pain. The saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" did not have much meaning to me before and now it does. Although, I don't feel very strong. Most times I feel fragile and weak…..like I could burst into tears at any moment. I used to be afraid of death. I believe I have much more work to do here on Earth, but when my time does come, I no longer feel afraid. I feel excited that I will finally be able to hold Daniel in my arms someday. I feel deep, unconditional, and pure love for my child. These are changes that I can use for good in the remainder of my life.
There are also feelings that I look back on with the absolute worst pain I can ever imagine. The shock of finding out he was gone, the gut-wrenching despair, the feeling of leaving the hospital empty-handed, the feeling of holding the wooden box that contained Daniel's ashes, the ache of empty arms as I stand over his grave, the feeling of knowing he is never coming back. Those feelings are changes of the worst kind.
Even though I had hit rock-bottom, I can honestly say I would not trade the 5 months we had with Daniel for anything. The time he was with us was the happiest of our lives. Amazing how such a little person can make such a huge impact.
"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."
the new 'do'….the new me
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