My Necklace

A few weeks before we lost Daniel, Tyler and I had gone into the jewelry store where we had gotten our wedding bands to get them cleaned.  Of course a girl can't help but look around at all of the sparkly things when she's in a jewelry store!  I was looking at the necklaces and thought it would be nice to have a necklace with our baby's birthstone in it.  Of course at this time we thought Daniel would be arriving in October, maybe he would come a little early in September, but NOT May.  I had hinted to Tyler at the time that a necklace with his birthstone would be a nice Christmas present.....after all, we had thought that our baby would be with us for the Holidays this year....yet another dream crushed.  I think one of the things that hurts most about all of this is that we will never get to have any of those experiences together with Daniel.  No putting up the Christmas tree together, no family dinners, NOTHING.  We have been robbed of all of the wonderful things we had looked forward to doing with Daniel.  Yes, we hope to have more children and experience those things with them.  But Daniel can never be replaced.....we will never get those experiences with him.  And it hurts SO much.

A few weeks before my birthday Tyler asked me what I wanted.  Of course all I really wanted for a birthday gift was to have my baby boy back, growing in my belly.  Unfortunately I know that is a gift I will never get.  Since this is my life now, I try to do what I can to bring myself little bits of comfort, even though I know my pain will never completely go away.  I decided that I still wanted a necklace with Daniel's birthstone.  I knew I didn't want to go to jewelry stores and start looking....inevitably someone would ask what we were looking for and why we were looking for it.  So, I started looking online.  Coincidentally (or maybe not) I found the perfect pendant online at the same jewelry store Tyler had gotten my engagement ring and we had bought our wedding bands. (Dean's Jewelry)  It is my mother-child pendant.  I ordered it and picked it up this past Saturday.  I picked out a chain to go with it while we were there....the woman at the store showed me an adjustable chain so I can wear it always, and adjust the length depending on my clothing.  I love it.  I know Daniel is with me always, but this just makes him feel a little bit closer.

First Blog Post

I wasn't so sure I would be into blogging, and I'm still not sure....but I decided to give it a try.  Over the past couple of months, I have been in dark places that I never wanted to be in.  At first, every day was bad.  Very bad.  Every hour, every minute, every second.  My heart hurt like it never has before.  The pain of losing my baby is unlike any other kind of pain I have ever experienced.

Today, I sit here and think about the progress I have made since enduring the worst days of my life.  I find some happy moments and some days are better than others.  Today is one of those better days.  I was thinking back to all of the things that have helped me cope since losing Daniel and decided I wanted to write about it.  One of those things is reading blogs from other women who have lost their babies.  It's comforting to read about their feelings and know that I am not alone.  They know what I am going through and to read it in words from others who have been there has helped to strengthen me along the way.  Below are some other things that I've realized have played a big part in helping me to cope.

*Reading books by Christian authors who have experienced the same thing that I have.  The books I have read so far are Heaven is for Real and Empty Arms.  I am currently reading What Was Lost and just came across another that I want to order that is called After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman's Companion to Healing and Hope.  I think I will write about what I gained from each of these books in another post.

*Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope: http://facesofloss.com/
A place to connect with other women who have lost babies, read their stories, share your story, and more.
My story: http://facesofloss.com/2012/07/5692.html#more-5692

*The Compassionate Friends - a worldwide support group for anyone who has lost a child at any stage of life.  www.thecompassionatefriends.com

*Meeting one-on-one with friends for lunch, coffee, or to take a walk.

*Journaling and writing to Daniel

*Counseling

*Taking care of our flowers and plants.  I never thought I would be the gardening type.....but I am enjoying taking care of our beautiful plants and flowers and watching them grow.  I planted some flowers with my mother-in-law in our front yard and recently Tyler and I planted the rose tree, hydrangeas, and gardenia that we got as gifts when Daniel died.  We now have a small memory garden for him off of our patio.

*Visiting the cemetery.  We go every Sunday to visit our little boy.  I usually cry a lot, but it is peaceful to just *be* with him.

*Telling my story and saying Daniel's name and how much I love him.

*Hugging and holding tight onto Tyler when the tears start flowing.