Fridays

It is Friday.  All week I look forward to the weekend….but then when it finally arrives I feel such intense sadness again.  I guess because all week I am busy and making sure my students are taken care of….Friday hits and then I realize again I have more time to think about me.  I do look forward to catching up on sleep and spending time with Tyler on the weekends, but it's hard to have down time and be missing Daniel terribly.

Today was a particularly tough Friday.  I thought about Daniel nearly every minute of the day.  The day started off by receiving yet another all-staff email from a colleague that she is pregnant.  This is the 4th email in a month.  I get that it is a really happy time for them…..but I just don't see how they can seem so worry free.  Maybe they aren't….but that's the impression I get.  It seems even after knowing what happened to me, everyone is still under the impression that you are somehow "safe" once you pass that magical point of your first trimester ending.  I certainly hope they are and don't have to ever endure the heartache that I have.  I have been avoiding the staff lounge like the plague and just eating lunch in my room because the thought of being around baby talk is just way more than I can handle.  I know I can't expect the rest of the world to stop turning because it feels like mine has…..but sometimes I think it should.

Does anybody know how hard this is????????!!!!!!

It's starting to feel like fall.  The air is cool and crisp, the mums are in bloom, and the leaves are just starting to turn colors.  Normally I love the fall.  But this year it is just a painful reminder that our October baby boy will not be arriving soon.  I dread October 7th.  It's still 3 weeks away and I am already starting to panic about how incredibly hard that day will be.  October 7th was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  I see women with big, pregnant bellies and I can't help but think that I should look like that now.  I should be 37 weeks today.  Full term.  We should be getting ready to welcome our baby boy very soon.  It seems everyone around me is just gliding right through their pregnancies without a care in the world.  Yesterday was 4 months since we learned our sweet boy had died.  Most everything in my world was good on May 14th.  The next day our lives were changed forever.  On  May 15th everything was turned upside down.  I guess my life feels like it can be divided into 2 distinct parts……before May 15th, and after May 15th.  Lately my mind seems to be wandering back to that horrible day.  Babies aren't supposed to die after you pass that "magical" point of the end of the first trimester.  Doctors tell you that cramping and bleeding are signs of a problem.  If you don't have cramping or bleeding, you must be fine, right?  Wrong.  No one told me your baby can die inside of you and you have no idea.  I still feel so cheated…..so robbed……so sad.  I feel hopeful for happier times to come in the future, but the lingering sadness of losing Daniel is still so overwhelming.

A different perspective

I was thinking about all of the people I've met either online or in person and all of the stories I've read as a result of losing Daniel.  I realized how much my perspective has changed in the past few months.  My perspective about everything really…..but one thing in particular is our society's view on others having children.  People just casually ask, "So, are you thinking about having children anytime soon?" or, "I bet so and so would really love a little brother or sister." I remember being at a baby shower once and someone at the table I was sitting at asked another girl if she had any kids.  The girl said no, and then the other person said something along the lines of, "Well, you'll be next!"  The girl just kind of got quiet and looked away.

I used to not think much of these comments and honestly I didn't see why some people got so offended.  I'm ashamed to say that I assumed that if people didn't have children, it was because they didn't want them.  Oh my goodness how much perspective has changed……….not wanting children could certainly be a possibility, but now I have realized that there are SO many more reasons why a couple might not have children.  Heartbreaking reasons.  Maybe they struggle with infertility. Maybe they lost their baby like I did.  Maybe they have had multiple miscarriages and are too weary to try again.

Back in June, we went away for our 3rd wedding anniversary and I got a massage at our hotel.  The masseuse was making small talk and when she found out we had been married for 3 years, she asked if we were planning on starting a family anytime soon.  I was very blunt and honest.  "Umm….we tried.  Our son died when I was 5 months pregnant."  She was pretty compassionate and told me a story about her friend who suffered multiple early losses.  But still…..why do people think they can just ask such a personal and private question like it is no big deal?!  I used to be one of those people…..so I guess I see why.  They don't know any better.  They think they are asking a harmless question.  They don't realize what a big deal it really is.  So, for anyone who may read this that hasn't suffered a loss, think twice before you ask someone that question.  You never know what their journey is about.