I am so sorry and sad for you if you are reading this and have lost your baby. As I write this, I am 4.5 months out from my loss. It is not something you ever "get over", but as someone told me, with time, you learn to make your experience a part of your journey in this life. Don't let anyone set limits on your grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is very personal and no one can comprehend exactly what you are going through because the child you lost was your baby. I will probably periodically add to this page as I am still very much navigating this grief journey myself.
Immediate concerns: surgery vs. delivery, final arrangements for your baby.
Surgery vs. Delivery: If you are in a situation similar to what I experienced, you will be given the option to be induced and deliver or have a D&E or D&C. (dilation and evacuation or dilation and cutterage). It is a very personal choice. Your doctor can explain what each would entail. If you do decide to go with surgery, you will not be able to see your baby. If you do want to see and hold your baby, go with delivery. If you do not have an option and are so far along that you have to deliver, take the time to hold and spend time with your baby. It may seem like an unbearable thought, but you will be glad you did. Also, be sure to contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It is a national organization of professional photographers that will come and take beautiful, free photos of your baby for you to treasure forever. https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/
Final Arrangements for your baby: Contact your church pastor or minister and ask for assistance for your situation. Many funeral homes will provide free or very low cost options to families dealing with the loss of a baby. With the help of our Pastor, we were fortunate to have him get us in touch with a funeral home who cremated our son for free and also a local cemetery who provided a free plot. We only had to pay for the gravestone. It was a blessing to not have huge financial burdens on top of everything else we were dealing with. Decide what you desire for your baby's final arrangements and seek help. Be sure to give the name of the funeral director and phone number to the hospital before your delivery or surgery.
Taking time off from work and the first days/weeks of grieving.
Taking time off from work: It is important to take the time you need to heal physically and begin your emotional healing without having to focus on anything at all but you. Personally, I took 2 weeks off from work, went back for a few days, and then had the summer mostly off since I am a teacher. I did decided to teach some summer lessons, but the schedule was much lighter than a normal school day. I was thinking about going back in a week, but then I realized I needed the extra time to just "be" and grieve. Depending on your situation, you may need much more time. Even if you are suffering an early miscarriage, I recommend taking at least a week off if you can to try and begin to sort through your emotions.
We were also fortunate to have people bring us food for a week following my D&E. My mom came over when my husband had to go back to work and sat with me just so I didn't have to be alone. Allow those around you to support you.
First days/weeks of grieving: Grieving is exhausting. It can be all-consuming. For the first couple of weeks, just getting out of bed, showering, and getting dressed was pretty much all I could handle for the day. Be kind to yourself and know that your only job right now is to grieve for your baby.
Resources for the days, weeks, and months to come.
-Journaling
I started keeping a pregnancy journal with Daniel. It turned into my grief journal and a way to write and talk to him. I also wrote letters to God and told him how incredibly angry and hurt I was.
-Counseling
Seek out a good counselor who you can talk with. I was very fortunate with my insurance to find a counselor where my visits are unlimited and completely covered. It helps to have someone to offer a different perspective on your grief and hopefully give you some suggestions for dealing with it. Also, just simply being able to pour out your heart without being judged is important.
-Books
Probably the most helpful book I read was Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. I never would have thought of it for comfort after losing my baby, but someone I know who had a miscarriage recommended it to me. It really helped me to picture what it will be like to meet my little boy someday. Without spoiling it too much, the little boy in the story meets his sister that his mother miscarried before he was born. It truly is a beautiful story.
I have also read Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt, What Was Lost by Elise Erikson Barrett, and After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman's Companion to Healing and Hope by Karen Edmisten.
Other books that I have not read yet but would like to, include, Empty Cradle Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake, Safe in the Arms of God: Truth from heaven about the death of a child by John MacArthur, and Grieving the Child I Never Knew: A Devotional Companion for Comfort in the Loss of Your Unborn or Newly-born Child by Kathe Wunnenberg.
-Blogs from other babyloss parents
Check out the Sisterhood of Loss, which has hundreds of blogs listed from other babyloss parents. http://smallbirdstudios.com/sisterhood-of-loss-support/
-Support Groups
Unfortunately, I could not find a support group specific to pregnancy and infant loss in my area. I did, however, find The Compassionate Friends. It is a worldwide organization that helps people dealing with the loss of a child at any stage of life. They have an online chat for Pregnancy and Infant Loss and also have many local chapters to meet in person. I have experienced nothing but open arms and kindness from this organization. www.thecompassionatefriends.org
-Letting the tears come
Sometimes I was just so darn tired of crying….but it only made things worse if I tried to hold the tears back. Let your emotions out as they come….it is so important for your healing.
-Doing things to honor your baby's memory
It brings me great comfort to do things to honor Daniel's memory. In the weeks following his death, I had memory cards made with his name, birthday, and a special bible verse. I was very pleased with how they came out and the quick delivery. I sent them to family and friends as a type of "birth announcement." Our hearts were heavy, but we were still proud parents and wanted everyone to know our son's name and birthday on a beautiful card to keep. I ordered them from: www.mixbook.com
-Pregnancy and Infant loss websites
www.facesofloss.com
http://grieveoutloud.org/
http://www.nationalshare.org/
-Keepsakes and memory items
I got a necklace with a mother and child and Daniel's birthstone. I wear it everyday.
We also have a memory box where we keep Daniel's pictures, all of our sympathy cards, his birth certificate, and other little memory items.
http://www.MollyBears.com/ This organization makes weighted bears (with your child's birth weight) to hug and hold
http://theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com/ This woman in Australia lost her son, and now she writes the names of lost babies in the sand on a beautiful beach. She also creates beautiful artwork in the sand. You can order photography from her with your child's name.
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