I still cry for you, Daniel

Lately the tears have been catching me more frequently.  I'm not sure what it is….maybe it's the holiday season and knowing that our little boy should have been here celebrating with us, maybe it's the stronger movements I feel with our baby girl and knowing I never felt those strong kicks with Daniel, maybe it's seeing a baby boy once in awhile that is about the same age Daniel would be now.  Whatever it is that seems to trigger the tears lately, it's a painful reminder that I will carry this hurt for the rest of my life.  As much as it still hurts, I am grateful for the joy this little girl has brought us and will continue to bring us.  She is truly a blessing and I love her SO much.  Hoping these next 4 months go fast because I am excited to enjoy my baby girl.  I've learned that hurt and joy coexist….they have to.  I feel both at the same time, every minute of every day.

It's a girl!!!

After much anticipation, prayer, and doing my best to keep my worry under control, we had our anatomy ultrasound on Wednesday. Our 2nd child is a healthy little girl!!!!
I was so blessed to feel some wiggles and kicks right before our appointment that gave me great reassurance. The appointment that broke our hearts last time was a wonderfully happy one this time.  I am now more pregnant than I ever have been before and it feels great!

I guess I am not surprised that the worry remains....but I try my best push it away. I hold onto the St. Gerard medal that I wear around my neck and say a little prayer every time the worry starts to creep in. I do feel my little girl moving around at least once or twice a day now which is the best feeling in the world! I am so excited to start feeling those bigger kicks -- hopefully soon!  For now I am working on enjoying the moment and keeping faith that this little girl WILL be coming home with us in May :)

Saint Gerard

My grandmother first told me about Saint Gerard a few months after Daniel died.  I went to her house to visit over the summer.  We talked about Daniel and about the baby that she miscarried almost 60 years ago.  She told me how she prayed a St. Gerard prayer every day while she was pregnant with my dad.  Being raised Roman Catholic, I knew there was a Patron Saint for just about everything, but had never heard of St. Gerard before.  I have experienced the power of intercessory prayers in the past….mainly when I lost something important and prayed for St. Anthony to help me find it.  I went home and searched the internet to learn more about St. Gerard.  I learned that a woman accused him of fathering her child.  He truly "turned the other cheek" and did not fight her accusations even though they were false.  The woman later repented.  I just found this article today….it was written on his feast day this year (October 16th) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-capecchi/st-gerard-majella-pregnant-women-patron-saint_b_1962214.html
I was not yet pregnant again at the time, but I decided to order some prayer cards, a Novena prayer booklet, and I was surprised to find a St. Gerard Motherhood kit that contained prayers, medals, and a small statue.  http://www.catholicgiftstores.com/st-gerard-intercessory-prayer-kit-p-sgemk02.html


When my things arrived, I unexpectedly found a prayer for Motherhood.  I thought the prayers were just for those who were already expecting.  We began praying this beautiful prayer and very soon after conceived this little baby I now carry.

Prayer to St. Gerard for Motherhood

O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, and wonder worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help.  You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will.  Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven.  Amen.

Ever since we found out we are expecting again, we have prayed this prayer every night:

Prayer to St. Gerard for a Safe Delivery 

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love.  O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

19 weeks

This is the week that my pregnancy with Daniel ended.  We went to our anatomy ultrasound so full of joy and excitement, only to have all of that taken away in an instant.  All of our hopes and dreams for our first child were crushed.  Our hearts….feeling pain like they had never felt before.  

This time IS going to be different.  I have been feeling flicks and flutters lately which are so wonderful and reassuring- way more movement than I ever felt with Daniel.  I am trying my best to think positive, happy thoughts.  I go to yoga.  I pray more than I ever have.  I trust God that He is protecting this baby and answering our prayers with a "Yes!".  I believe Daniel is the best guardian angel his little brother or sister could ask for.  I believe in the power of intercessory prayer through the Blessed Mother and St. Gerard (the Patron Saint of Expectant Mothers).   It is still difficult, though.  There is that bit of fear that is creeping in….a shield that I don't want to completely take down because I am scared.  In addition to the anxiety over this particular ultrasound for this new baby, it is hard to have all of the painful memories from May 15th come rushing back.  I tried to make the things I could control, different.  May 15th was a Tuesday and our appointment was in the afternoon.  This time, the ultrasound is scheduled for December 12th, a Wednesday, in the morning.  I was 19 weeks 2 days the day of Daniel's ultrasound.  I will be 19 weeks 5 days with this baby.

The time seems to be going by fast, at least.  I think part of that has to do with the fact that I haven't made any big announcements, so I don't have people constantly throughout the work day asking me about my pregnancy.  Well-meaning, I'm sure, but just not talking about it seems to make the time go by a lot faster!  Plus, the first half of the school year always seems to fly by and the second half drags.  I think that has something to do with it, too.  Hopefully the next 21 weeks will go by just as quick because I am excited to meet this little baby, healthy and alive in my arms!  It WILL happen!!!

6 months

As we were walking out of church this morning, it was a beautiful and sunny day. It was warm enough that I just wore a long-sleeved shirt and made a comment about how it was so nice to have a warm, sunny day like this more than halfway through November. Tyler checked the date on his watch and said it was the 18th....and that it has been six months since Daniel's birthday. Six months since we left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. Six months since we were at the lowest and most devastating point in our lives.  Six months since our dreams for our son and the life we would share together were taken so suddenly from us. Six months since I last carried him.....it doesn't seem possible.

I write this with tear-stained cheeks and a heart that is still hurting for Daniel. Everywhere I go there is a reminder of the upcoming holidays. I was so excited for our newborn baby to spend his first Thanksgiving and Christmas with us. The baby I now carry gives us a great hope for our future and joy to come, but it is still hard to navigate this time knowing we will never get to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner or sit around our family Christmas tree with Daniel.

A lot has happened in six months.  The pain does become less intense, but it still stings and it still hurts. As I move forward into the next six months I have faith and pray that God will bless us with the birth of this baby, alive and healthy.

Thankful

Most of the posts I write are venting some tough feelings. I thought today called for a thankful and happy post.
Over the weekend I started getting some cramps. Last night they got pretty bad and I really started to worry. It is so hard to keep my mind from being like a runaway train when I worry..... but I'm trying to work on that. I decided to call my doctor's office first thing this morning and tell them about th painful cramps. I wanted to at the very least go in and hear baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. I ended up being scheduled to see my doctor even though I had just seen her this Thursday.  I said more prayers than I can count before I went today. There are also some particular pieces of Scripture that I have been really focusing on these days.  I cling to my St. Gerard medals and my rosary. By the grace of God, I have been able to, for the most part, maintain my composure despite my anxiety these days.

I was so thankful and overjoyed to hear our baby's strong heartbeat almost as soon as the nurse put the Doppler on my belly.  My doctor gave me a thorough exam and said all looks good. She did send me for some lab work, but hopefully that will come back clear and I will not have cramps that scare me like that again.

I know our prayers are being answered and we are so grateful. I am still not exactly sure why my prayers were not answered in the way I would have liked them to be with Daniel, but I am praising God for the living child I now carry and continue to have faith in a happy ending for this pregnancy. 


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7 NIV

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

It bothers me when...

People complain about their pregnancies or the difficulty of raising their children!! I know there are challenges and unpleasant times with both, but I just want to scream at them, "Don't you know how lucky you are?!?!"  I would love to have my son living here with me now, even if it means he wakes me up at 5am each day. As long as the baby I now carry is alive and well, I do not mind making the sacrifices of being sick, tired, achy, and all that can come with being pregnant.  Daniel has given us many great gifts.....one is that we will love, cherish and be so much more thankful and patient when we parent our living children.  Because we know the alternative - and we pray our hearts never have to know that pain again.

14 weeks

I am 14 weeks and 2 days today.  I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I was feeling so nervous that I just knew I would not be able to make it through the weekend. So, I thankfully was able to get my appointment moved up to this past Thursday afternoon.  It is so reassuring to hear baby's heartbeat (I could listen to that beautiful sound all day). The reassurance is usually short-lived and I go back to being worried soon after. Sometimes I think I feel some little wiggles, but I know it is still early and I have to wait longer to feel some more movements that will put my mind at ease. It is just so hard to trust and believe everything is going to be okay this time, especially because we do not know why Daniel's heart stopped beating when I was in the supposedly "safe" second trimester.  We need this baby to come home with us, alive and healthy. We keep praying that he or she will.

Praying for our Rainbow

13 weeks pregnant….the time when most women breathe a huge sigh of relief in their pregnancies. As I enter my second trimester for the second time this year, I am happy, sad, excited, scared, anxious, and so much more.   We have had several ultrasounds so far and heard this little one's heartbeat twice now on the doppler.  Our NT scan and first trimester screening results were very good.  I should have no reason to worry….but I do.  I found myself sobbing today and begging God to please spare us the pain of losing another child.  I am trying to trust again, but it is so, so hard.  

I hear and see birth announcements and I wonder if we will ever get there.  Others announce their pregnancies with such joy and carefree excitement.  I try to hide mine and keep my emotions guarded.  I am tired of living in anxiety and fear.  It is exhausting and no fun.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy.  I know I will never get this time back.  I do write love letters to this little baby in a journal with the hope that he or she will be able to read them someday.  I try to take comfort in the fact that many people are praying for us and that we too are lifting this little one in prayer every night.  But still, the fear remains.      

I understand now that in our brokenness and pain, God can work all things for our good.  My heart still hurts for Daniel, but maybe I am even at the point of acceptance in my grief.  God has already worked some beautiful things out of our tragedy.  I know in my mind that He works all things for our good and His glory, but in my heart I am saying, "Please, please don't allow us to suffer like that again."  I have to believe our prayers will be answered and this pregnancy will end with the birth of a live and healthy baby.     

Days like these are tough

It's days like these that I miss Daniel the most.  A whole Saturday, with nothing much to do except think about how much I miss my little boy.  Tyler had to work today so I am home by myself.  Poor guy, he is sick and I really wish he could have stayed home today for that reason especially.

I finally worked up the motivation to shower, get dressed, go get gas, go to the bank, and take a walk.  But really, I was feeling so down that I didn't feel like doing anything.  A friend was having a party this evening….I thought about going, but didn't feel up to it.  It takes a lot of energy for me to be in social situations since losing my baby.  It's hard to put on that happy face and make small talk.  It especially makes me uneasy to be around people who don't know about my loss because I dread they may ask if I have any children.  I haven't had to deal with that one yet.  I'm sure it will come up eventually…..but I'm glad I have avoided it thus far.  It shouldn't be this way.  I should be taking care of my newborn son today and dealing with every joy and challenge that a new baby brings.  

Due Date

Today was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  The date we had looked forward to for so long since our first prenatal doctor's appointment last February.  The date I had put in my calendar with exclamation points and smiley faces.  A day that I had hoped would bring happiness and new life around the time that carries much sadness in our family (Tyler's brother Shawn died suddenly of a heart attack on 10/8/09).  But no, it is a day that adds to the sadness.  Never in a million years did I think I would be visiting our son's grave instead of holding him in my arms this day.  It makes me so sad to think of what could have been and what might have been.  Would we be in the hospital labor and delivery tonight?  Would we be holding our son in our arms?  Would we still be anxiously awaiting his arrival?  So many questions and no answers.  It is also the end of an era so to speak….the official end of my pregnancy time period with Daniel.  No more thinking, I would be 30 weeks or 35 weeks or whatever today.  No more wondering how big my belly would be or how I would be feeling or what his kicks would feel like.  Yes, it made me very sad to think about those things over the past few months, but it is also sad to pass this milestone.

We tried to make the best of the day.   I could help but start crying even before I got out of bed.  But Tyler and I held each other tight and it is a good feeling to know neither of us have to go through this alone.  We went to church a little early and lit and candle for our sweet little boy.  Tyler also had a great idea to cut some mums from our yard to take to the cemetery.  We went to the cemetery after church and the fall flowers looked so beautiful laid on his stone.  We took a drive, did a little shopping, and went to dinner.  Glad the day is almost over.  I love you so much Daniel, and I always will!

October

October has arrived.  I should be starting my maternity leave at the end of this week.  I couldn't help but think at school today, that this should have been my last week of work until the end of January.  I would be wrapping things up and getting everything in order for a sub.  I wonder how big my belly would be….how excited we would be to welcome our little boy in possibly just a few short days….or maybe he would have arrived a week or two early.  But our sweet little October baby arrived long ago……much too soon.  And without a heartbeat.  I still miss him terribly.  I still tear up each day….usually driving to and from school.  Sometimes I still can't believe it's real, that this is my life now.  That my first pregnancy really ended the way it did.  It's not fair.  It never will be.  There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

Fridays

It is Friday.  All week I look forward to the weekend….but then when it finally arrives I feel such intense sadness again.  I guess because all week I am busy and making sure my students are taken care of….Friday hits and then I realize again I have more time to think about me.  I do look forward to catching up on sleep and spending time with Tyler on the weekends, but it's hard to have down time and be missing Daniel terribly.

Today was a particularly tough Friday.  I thought about Daniel nearly every minute of the day.  The day started off by receiving yet another all-staff email from a colleague that she is pregnant.  This is the 4th email in a month.  I get that it is a really happy time for them…..but I just don't see how they can seem so worry free.  Maybe they aren't….but that's the impression I get.  It seems even after knowing what happened to me, everyone is still under the impression that you are somehow "safe" once you pass that magical point of your first trimester ending.  I certainly hope they are and don't have to ever endure the heartache that I have.  I have been avoiding the staff lounge like the plague and just eating lunch in my room because the thought of being around baby talk is just way more than I can handle.  I know I can't expect the rest of the world to stop turning because it feels like mine has…..but sometimes I think it should.

Does anybody know how hard this is????????!!!!!!

It's starting to feel like fall.  The air is cool and crisp, the mums are in bloom, and the leaves are just starting to turn colors.  Normally I love the fall.  But this year it is just a painful reminder that our October baby boy will not be arriving soon.  I dread October 7th.  It's still 3 weeks away and I am already starting to panic about how incredibly hard that day will be.  October 7th was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  I see women with big, pregnant bellies and I can't help but think that I should look like that now.  I should be 37 weeks today.  Full term.  We should be getting ready to welcome our baby boy very soon.  It seems everyone around me is just gliding right through their pregnancies without a care in the world.  Yesterday was 4 months since we learned our sweet boy had died.  Most everything in my world was good on May 14th.  The next day our lives were changed forever.  On  May 15th everything was turned upside down.  I guess my life feels like it can be divided into 2 distinct parts……before May 15th, and after May 15th.  Lately my mind seems to be wandering back to that horrible day.  Babies aren't supposed to die after you pass that "magical" point of the end of the first trimester.  Doctors tell you that cramping and bleeding are signs of a problem.  If you don't have cramping or bleeding, you must be fine, right?  Wrong.  No one told me your baby can die inside of you and you have no idea.  I still feel so cheated…..so robbed……so sad.  I feel hopeful for happier times to come in the future, but the lingering sadness of losing Daniel is still so overwhelming.

A different perspective

I was thinking about all of the people I've met either online or in person and all of the stories I've read as a result of losing Daniel.  I realized how much my perspective has changed in the past few months.  My perspective about everything really…..but one thing in particular is our society's view on others having children.  People just casually ask, "So, are you thinking about having children anytime soon?" or, "I bet so and so would really love a little brother or sister." I remember being at a baby shower once and someone at the table I was sitting at asked another girl if she had any kids.  The girl said no, and then the other person said something along the lines of, "Well, you'll be next!"  The girl just kind of got quiet and looked away.

I used to not think much of these comments and honestly I didn't see why some people got so offended.  I'm ashamed to say that I assumed that if people didn't have children, it was because they didn't want them.  Oh my goodness how much perspective has changed……….not wanting children could certainly be a possibility, but now I have realized that there are SO many more reasons why a couple might not have children.  Heartbreaking reasons.  Maybe they struggle with infertility. Maybe they lost their baby like I did.  Maybe they have had multiple miscarriages and are too weary to try again.

Back in June, we went away for our 3rd wedding anniversary and I got a massage at our hotel.  The masseuse was making small talk and when she found out we had been married for 3 years, she asked if we were planning on starting a family anytime soon.  I was very blunt and honest.  "Umm….we tried.  Our son died when I was 5 months pregnant."  She was pretty compassionate and told me a story about her friend who suffered multiple early losses.  But still…..why do people think they can just ask such a personal and private question like it is no big deal?!  I used to be one of those people…..so I guess I see why.  They don't know any better.  They think they are asking a harmless question.  They don't realize what a big deal it really is.  So, for anyone who may read this that hasn't suffered a loss, think twice before you ask someone that question.  You never know what their journey is about.

The tears still come

I have been doing pretty well this week.  School is off to a pretty smooth start and I have been feeling for the most part pretty good physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  But there are still those moments when all the sad feelings come rushing back and I remember that intense pain again.  This week the triggers have been writing down lesson dates for the month of October and writing in my paper journal to Daniel.  Yesterday, I was typing up my lesson schedules at school,  and when I started typing the October dates, all of those emotions just started coming back.  I thought to myself, "I should not even be here during October (and November, December, and January).  I should be on maternity leave then."  But I won't be……and it still hurts….a lot.  Today, I was writing in my journal to Daniel and it was a combination of a lot of things that made me break down.  I keep his sonogram pictures tucked in the inside of the journal.  He was just so adorable…..so perfectly formed….everything down to his cute little toes that I would have kissed so much.  He was so precious and I will never understand why he had to die before he ever got the chance to be hugged, or kissed, or held by his parents or even take his first breath.  It is quite special that we have our own little angel to watch over us and pray for us, but I still want him back here with us.

A very special giraffe

On May 13, 2012, I celebrated Mother's Day honoring my own mom, grandmother, godmother, and of course as the mommy of my sweet baby boy in my belly.  Tyler got me the sweetest card and a musical teddy bear.  The bear was in the cutest gift bag.  The gift bag had a fuzzy giraffe on it with the prettiest colors just perfect for a baby.  I had envisioned doing the nursery in a giraffe theme already, and I said, "This bag is just too nice to throw away!  I'm going to cut out the giraffe and frame it to hang in the nursery!"  Well, that bag was painfully staring us in the face when we got home from that dreadful day at the doctor's…..I almost threw it away.  I'm so glad I didn't.

After we cleaned out the upstairs room that's supposed to be the nursery a couple weeks ago, I decided to go ahead with my framing idea.  I had to dig through the bag of baby things to get to it, and that was hard, but I was strong enough to finish my project.  We hung it on the wall a few nights ago.  I was so sad when I put it up there knowing Daniel will never be in that room to enjoy his giraffe picture or any of the other stuff we got and would have gotten for him.  But, I like knowing that that room is ready….and having that framed giraffe in there from my first Mother's Day gift….it is a special way to have Daniel remain as part of that room….and a reminder that he will be there watching over his little brother or sister someday.  I love you, Daniel James!!!

Emotional Overload

School started back up again this week.  Monday, today, and tomorrow are teacher work days and then the students come.  I was so anxious about going back.  I absolutely dreaded the inevitable "How was your summer?!" questions that are so excitedly and cheerfully thrown around at the beginning of the year.  I wondered how everyone would treat me and if it would be awkward.  I didn't know how I would handle being around the newly pregnant teachers.

Monday morning I broke down and cried as Tyler and I were saying goodbye in the garage and getting ready to go our separate ways for the day.  Going to a funeral for a former teacher and member of the church I grew up in later that morning was a painful reminder of Daniel's passing.  It was an awfully weird first day back. But it got better as the day went on.

This morning I felt pretty good, but shortly after arriving at school, I felt myself falling apart.  As a start to the morning meeting, the staff was sharing summer experiences aloud.  I felt the hot tears coming and I started to panic.  I knew I would start crying in front of everyone if I had to talk about my summer.  I left the meeting, went and sat in another room and cried.  My summer was the complete opposite of how I thought it would be.  Our trips to Niagara Falls and Presque Isle were definitely nice, but most of the summer I spent crying and grieving.

I can honestly say that I have the most supportive and caring colleagues in the world and they have been incredibly understanding to the fact that I am coming into this year still very much in the midst of grieving.  Just having some come up to me and say, "I've been thinking about you" means so much.

As far as all the anger I was feeling last week goes…..I have been trying to let it go.  At church this past Sunday I was just feeling tired…..tired of the anger, the questions, the anxiety, the hurt, the doubt…just everything.  I asked God to just take it all away from me.  The sadness for Daniel remains, but I really trust that God will bless us with the beautiful children that we were meant to keep here on Earth with us.  I still miss Daniel, I always always will.  But I trust that God has good and happy things in store for us.  Hopefully soon!

Birth Certificate

After coming across this recent article (http://blog.nj.com/njv_guest_blog/2012/07/after_baby_is_stillborn_grievi.html) and doing some research, I found out that states vary in their definitions of stillbirth. In Pennsylvania, the death of a baby is considered a stillbirth at 16 weeks gestation or more. Since we lost Daniel at nearly 20 weeks, our son is considered to have been a stillborn baby.  I found an application on the Vital Records website to apply for a birth certificate for Daniel.  I just finished filling out the form and getting together the other documents to send.  I know that other moms fought hard for this legislation to pass and I am so grateful to them. Because of their hard work, the state of Pennsylvania recognizes the life of our son. I think one of the worst fears of a baby loss mom is that her child or children will be forgotten because they were not as visible to the outside world. I was the one who felt my body change and felt Daniel's little flutters of movement. Tyler and I were the only ones who heard his beautiful heartbeat and saw him on the ultrasound screen.  To the rest of the world, there were not many tangible signs that I had a little human inside of me.  Obviously as his parents, we were most connected to him. When Daniel died, parts of us literally died with him. To have our state recognize his life and essentially say, "Your son mattered. He deserves a birth certificate just like anyone else." is very special. Off to the post office to mail it now - hopefully there will be no complications with getting it processed and receiving Daniel's "Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth" certificate.

Tears & Still Angry

Sometimes I think I couldn't possibly have any more tears left.  But there are always more.  Lately, they have come when I least expect it.  I like to be in control of myself and I like having plans.  It takes me by surprise when something unexpected happens and triggers the tears.  The tears are healing, but I feel so helpless when they do come.  I felt like I had regressed a bit this week.  Last night, I thought I would try and re-read parts of Empty Arms because I had read it so soon after Daniel died that it just seems like a blur.  I was looking for some comfort and words of wisdom.  As I read through some of the pages and came across the scripture the author had included to be comforting, I just started feeling worse.  This week has been full of the questions that I thought I had moved past, like: Why us? It's not fair!  Why did God let this happen?  I SPECIFICALLY prayed for a healthy baby (lots of other people did for us too) every day since I found out I was pregnant - why were those prayers denied? Why weren't they good enough?  Does God even care that I am so sad?  Does it even do any good to pray for another baby when our previous prayers were answered with what feels like a slap-in-the-face "No"?  It sure would be nice if someone could answer those questions!!  To be fair, there have been times when I have felt God's grace and love through the kindness of others.  And I have still been praying…..not sure if my prayers will be answered in the way that I want them to be, but it can't hurt to still ask.

3 months

Today is August 15th....3 months ago on May 15th, on what was supposed to be a wonderfully happy day, we found out our baby had died.  I remember the anticipation and excitement leading up to that day of our anatomy scan. I could not wait to see our baby on the screen and find out the gender for sure even though I had a pretty strong feeling we were having a boy.  That very exciting day turned out to be the very worst day of our lives.  It feels more like 3 days instead of 3 months. Later this week it will be the 18th and will be 3 months since Daniel's birthday.  Oh how I wish he was still growing in my belly instead of buried in the ground.

Yesterday was particularly rough. I cried harder and felt more despair than I have in a few weeks. I checked my work email and there was not just one, but two emails from teachers announcing their pregnancies.  I immediately burst into tears. I miss my baby boy. Why do they get to have their babies with them and I don't??  How am I supposed to face them when we pass in the hall or if I have to talk to them about something work-related?  Am I supposed to act as if nothing is wrong when I am seriously envious that their babies are alive and mine is not?  I was so excited and happy when I was pregnant, too. I guess that is how they are feeling now.  They get to be blissfully ignorant about all the things that can possibly go wrong during pregnancy and I know I will never get to experience that kind of innocence again.  Hopefully our exciting and happier days will come again soon.

Our Weekend

We are back home now after a little weekend getaway.  Yesterday was supposed to be my baby shower and I knew I had to get away and try to be distracted.  We left on Friday and went to Erie for a few days.  It was mostly overcast the whole weekend and a little chilly, but we still had a good time.  The beaches at Presque Isle State Park are so beautiful.  We had almost the whole beach to ourselves on Saturday.  Sitting with our toes in the sand, looking out on the water, breathing in the fresh air, and hearing the sound of the waves was relaxing.  Our plan to try and be distracted for the weekend worked and we had a really nice time.  But as we were sitting on the beach Saturday afternoon, I couldn't help but think that somewhere, in an alternate universe, I was missing the party…..like as if my baby shower was going on without me.  Many times I feel like the whole world is going on without me.  It still hurts so bad and I miss my baby boy so much.  

  

On the beach at Presque Isle

Hopeful

I finally had enough strength yesterday to start cleaning out the supposed-to-be baby nursery.  I had tried to do it before, but was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't.  I wish more than anything that Daniel would be welcomed into that nursery in 9 weeks.  I will never, ever stop thinking about my baby boy, but at the same time I am hopeful for the future.  I hope that Daniel will have little brothers or sisters to watch over here on Earth.  I hope that our prayers are answered.  I hope that all of the family things we envisioned doing with Daniel will still happen, but with his siblings on Earth and with him by our side in spirit.

It is not easy to be hopeful.  After so many tests on me and on Daniel, we were not able to find a medical reason for his death.  It is hard not knowing why he left us.  It is perhaps even harder to accept that since we don't know what happened, there is not much we can do differently in the future besides some increased monitoring.

It is scary, but I have to trust the doctors.  I have to trust God.  I have to trust that He will answer our prayers and we will be blessed with children to love here on Earth in addition to the angel we love so much in Heaven.

Sad

I am just plain sad today.  I should be marking 31 weeks pregnant today with Daniel.  My baby shower was supposed to be next Saturday.  It's so quiet here in our house. 9 weeks or so from now our home should be filled with the sounds of a new baby…..but it won't be.

Changed

The experience of losing my son has changed me.  I went to a new hair salon yesterday and I do really like my new haircut.  When I got home, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Wow, I look like a different person."  Then it hit me, I am a different person now.  I am forever changed and will never be the same person I was before losing Daniel.  Many things about me are the same, but my perspective has greatly changed.  I feel more deeply now.  I feel more empathy towards people in pain.  The saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" did not have much meaning to me before and now it does.  Although, I don't feel very strong.  Most times I feel fragile and weak…..like I could burst into tears at any moment.  I used to be afraid of death.  I believe I have much more work to do here on Earth, but when my time does come, I no longer feel afraid.  I feel excited that I will finally be able to hold Daniel in my arms someday.  I feel deep, unconditional, and pure love for my child.  These are changes that I can use for good in the remainder of my life.

There are also feelings that I look back on with the absolute worst pain I can ever imagine.  The shock of finding out he was gone, the gut-wrenching despair, the feeling of leaving the hospital empty-handed, the feeling of holding the wooden box that contained Daniel's ashes, the ache of empty arms as I stand over his grave, the feeling of knowing he is never coming back.  Those feelings are changes of the worst kind.

Even though I had hit rock-bottom, I can honestly say I would not trade the 5 months we had with Daniel for anything.  The time he was with us was the happiest of our lives.  Amazing how such a little person can make such a huge impact.

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

the new 'do'….the new me

Daniel's Garden

In the weeks following Daniel's passing, we were given some plants as gifts.  We were given a rose tree, 2 hydrangeas, a gardenia, and a lily.  They all lived on our deck for awhile.  When we went on vacation to Canada at the end of June, it was very hot and they didn't get watered for several days.  When we came back, I trimmed away the dead leaves and flowers.  We waited a few weeks until they started to grow again, and then we planted them outside.  They have come back beautifully and have lots of healthy growth.  Some of the buds are still small, but I know they will be just fine.  The lily is still in its planter, but we will find a space for it soon.  I never really was into growing plants or flowers, but there is something very special about taking care of beautiful, living things (especially in memory of Daniel).  I enjoy watching new buds pop up and smelling the beautiful flowers when they do bloom.

I wish every day that I was still taking care of my living baby boy.  I would be coming up on 31 weeks now.  The nursery would be very close to being ready by now.  We would have taken our baby care classes that I had signed up for.  I would be going for a prenatal check-up every 2 weeks.  I would be feeling him kick and move around inside me and Tyler would surely be feeling those kicks too.  I would be having my baby shower on August 11th.  Everything is upside down and backwards from how it would have been.  I miss my sweet baby Daniel so much.

Daniel's Garden

Gardenia with tight little buds.  Some of them have bloomed in the past and they smell wonderful.

Red begonias and white impatients in our front yard.

Yellow rose tree with our little angel statue.

My Necklace

A few weeks before we lost Daniel, Tyler and I had gone into the jewelry store where we had gotten our wedding bands to get them cleaned.  Of course a girl can't help but look around at all of the sparkly things when she's in a jewelry store!  I was looking at the necklaces and thought it would be nice to have a necklace with our baby's birthstone in it.  Of course at this time we thought Daniel would be arriving in October, maybe he would come a little early in September, but NOT May.  I had hinted to Tyler at the time that a necklace with his birthstone would be a nice Christmas present.....after all, we had thought that our baby would be with us for the Holidays this year....yet another dream crushed.  I think one of the things that hurts most about all of this is that we will never get to have any of those experiences together with Daniel.  No putting up the Christmas tree together, no family dinners, NOTHING.  We have been robbed of all of the wonderful things we had looked forward to doing with Daniel.  Yes, we hope to have more children and experience those things with them.  But Daniel can never be replaced.....we will never get those experiences with him.  And it hurts SO much.

A few weeks before my birthday Tyler asked me what I wanted.  Of course all I really wanted for a birthday gift was to have my baby boy back, growing in my belly.  Unfortunately I know that is a gift I will never get.  Since this is my life now, I try to do what I can to bring myself little bits of comfort, even though I know my pain will never completely go away.  I decided that I still wanted a necklace with Daniel's birthstone.  I knew I didn't want to go to jewelry stores and start looking....inevitably someone would ask what we were looking for and why we were looking for it.  So, I started looking online.  Coincidentally (or maybe not) I found the perfect pendant online at the same jewelry store Tyler had gotten my engagement ring and we had bought our wedding bands. (Dean's Jewelry)  It is my mother-child pendant.  I ordered it and picked it up this past Saturday.  I picked out a chain to go with it while we were there....the woman at the store showed me an adjustable chain so I can wear it always, and adjust the length depending on my clothing.  I love it.  I know Daniel is with me always, but this just makes him feel a little bit closer.

First Blog Post

I wasn't so sure I would be into blogging, and I'm still not sure....but I decided to give it a try.  Over the past couple of months, I have been in dark places that I never wanted to be in.  At first, every day was bad.  Very bad.  Every hour, every minute, every second.  My heart hurt like it never has before.  The pain of losing my baby is unlike any other kind of pain I have ever experienced.

Today, I sit here and think about the progress I have made since enduring the worst days of my life.  I find some happy moments and some days are better than others.  Today is one of those better days.  I was thinking back to all of the things that have helped me cope since losing Daniel and decided I wanted to write about it.  One of those things is reading blogs from other women who have lost their babies.  It's comforting to read about their feelings and know that I am not alone.  They know what I am going through and to read it in words from others who have been there has helped to strengthen me along the way.  Below are some other things that I've realized have played a big part in helping me to cope.

*Reading books by Christian authors who have experienced the same thing that I have.  The books I have read so far are Heaven is for Real and Empty Arms.  I am currently reading What Was Lost and just came across another that I want to order that is called After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman's Companion to Healing and Hope.  I think I will write about what I gained from each of these books in another post.

*Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope: http://facesofloss.com/
A place to connect with other women who have lost babies, read their stories, share your story, and more.
My story: http://facesofloss.com/2012/07/5692.html#more-5692

*The Compassionate Friends - a worldwide support group for anyone who has lost a child at any stage of life.  www.thecompassionatefriends.com

*Meeting one-on-one with friends for lunch, coffee, or to take a walk.

*Journaling and writing to Daniel

*Counseling

*Taking care of our flowers and plants.  I never thought I would be the gardening type.....but I am enjoying taking care of our beautiful plants and flowers and watching them grow.  I planted some flowers with my mother-in-law in our front yard and recently Tyler and I planted the rose tree, hydrangeas, and gardenia that we got as gifts when Daniel died.  We now have a small memory garden for him off of our patio.

*Visiting the cemetery.  We go every Sunday to visit our little boy.  I usually cry a lot, but it is peaceful to just *be* with him.

*Telling my story and saying Daniel's name and how much I love him.

*Hugging and holding tight onto Tyler when the tears start flowing.