As we were walking out of church this morning, it was a beautiful and sunny day. It was warm enough that I just wore a long-sleeved shirt and made a comment about how it was so nice to have a warm, sunny day like this more than halfway through November. Tyler checked the date on his watch and said it was the 18th....and that it has been six months since Daniel's birthday. Six months since we left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. Six months since we were at the lowest and most devastating point in our lives. Six months since our dreams for our son and the life we would share together were taken so suddenly from us. Six months since I last carried him.....it doesn't seem possible.
I write this with tear-stained cheeks and a heart that is still hurting for Daniel. Everywhere I go there is a reminder of the upcoming holidays. I was so excited for our newborn baby to spend his first Thanksgiving and Christmas with us. The baby I now carry gives us a great hope for our future and joy to come, but it is still hard to navigate this time knowing we will never get to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner or sit around our family Christmas tree with Daniel.
A lot has happened in six months. The pain does become less intense, but it still stings and it still hurts. As I move forward into the next six months I have faith and pray that God will bless us with the birth of this baby, alive and healthy.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Thankful
Most of the posts I write are venting some tough feelings. I thought today called for a thankful and happy post.
Over the weekend I started getting some cramps. Last night they got pretty bad and I really started to worry. It is so hard to keep my mind from being like a runaway train when I worry..... but I'm trying to work on that. I decided to call my doctor's office first thing this morning and tell them about th painful cramps. I wanted to at the very least go in and hear baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. I ended up being scheduled to see my doctor even though I had just seen her this Thursday. I said more prayers than I can count before I went today. There are also some particular pieces of Scripture that I have been really focusing on these days. I cling to my St. Gerard medals and my rosary. By the grace of God, I have been able to, for the most part, maintain my composure despite my anxiety these days.
I was so thankful and overjoyed to hear our baby's strong heartbeat almost as soon as the nurse put the Doppler on my belly. My doctor gave me a thorough exam and said all looks good. She did send me for some lab work, but hopefully that will come back clear and I will not have cramps that scare me like that again.
I know our prayers are being answered and we are so grateful. I am still not exactly sure why my prayers were not answered in the way I would have liked them to be with Daniel, but I am praising God for the living child I now carry and continue to have faith in a happy ending for this pregnancy.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7 NIV
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Over the weekend I started getting some cramps. Last night they got pretty bad and I really started to worry. It is so hard to keep my mind from being like a runaway train when I worry..... but I'm trying to work on that. I decided to call my doctor's office first thing this morning and tell them about th painful cramps. I wanted to at the very least go in and hear baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. I ended up being scheduled to see my doctor even though I had just seen her this Thursday. I said more prayers than I can count before I went today. There are also some particular pieces of Scripture that I have been really focusing on these days. I cling to my St. Gerard medals and my rosary. By the grace of God, I have been able to, for the most part, maintain my composure despite my anxiety these days.
I was so thankful and overjoyed to hear our baby's strong heartbeat almost as soon as the nurse put the Doppler on my belly. My doctor gave me a thorough exam and said all looks good. She did send me for some lab work, but hopefully that will come back clear and I will not have cramps that scare me like that again.
I know our prayers are being answered and we are so grateful. I am still not exactly sure why my prayers were not answered in the way I would have liked them to be with Daniel, but I am praising God for the living child I now carry and continue to have faith in a happy ending for this pregnancy.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7 NIV
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Sunday, November 4, 2012
It bothers me when...
People complain about their pregnancies or the difficulty of raising their children!! I know there are challenges and unpleasant times with both, but I just want to scream at them, "Don't you know how lucky you are?!?!" I would love to have my son living here with me now, even if it means he wakes me up at 5am each day. As long as the baby I now carry is alive and well, I do not mind making the sacrifices of being sick, tired, achy, and all that can come with being pregnant. Daniel has given us many great gifts.....one is that we will love, cherish and be so much more thankful and patient when we parent our living children. Because we know the alternative - and we pray our hearts never have to know that pain again.
14 weeks
I am 14 weeks and 2 days today. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I was feeling so nervous that I just knew I would not be able to make it through the weekend. So, I thankfully was able to get my appointment moved up to this past Thursday afternoon. It is so reassuring to hear baby's heartbeat (I could listen to that beautiful sound all day). The reassurance is usually short-lived and I go back to being worried soon after. Sometimes I think I feel some little wiggles, but I know it is still early and I have to wait longer to feel some more movements that will put my mind at ease. It is just so hard to trust and believe everything is going to be okay this time, especially because we do not know why Daniel's heart stopped beating when I was in the supposedly "safe" second trimester. We need this baby to come home with us, alive and healthy. We keep praying that he or she will.
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