I still cry for you, Daniel

Lately the tears have been catching me more frequently.  I'm not sure what it is….maybe it's the holiday season and knowing that our little boy should have been here celebrating with us, maybe it's the stronger movements I feel with our baby girl and knowing I never felt those strong kicks with Daniel, maybe it's seeing a baby boy once in awhile that is about the same age Daniel would be now.  Whatever it is that seems to trigger the tears lately, it's a painful reminder that I will carry this hurt for the rest of my life.  As much as it still hurts, I am grateful for the joy this little girl has brought us and will continue to bring us.  She is truly a blessing and I love her SO much.  Hoping these next 4 months go fast because I am excited to enjoy my baby girl.  I've learned that hurt and joy coexist….they have to.  I feel both at the same time, every minute of every day.

It's a girl!!!

After much anticipation, prayer, and doing my best to keep my worry under control, we had our anatomy ultrasound on Wednesday. Our 2nd child is a healthy little girl!!!!
I was so blessed to feel some wiggles and kicks right before our appointment that gave me great reassurance. The appointment that broke our hearts last time was a wonderfully happy one this time.  I am now more pregnant than I ever have been before and it feels great!

I guess I am not surprised that the worry remains....but I try my best push it away. I hold onto the St. Gerard medal that I wear around my neck and say a little prayer every time the worry starts to creep in. I do feel my little girl moving around at least once or twice a day now which is the best feeling in the world! I am so excited to start feeling those bigger kicks -- hopefully soon!  For now I am working on enjoying the moment and keeping faith that this little girl WILL be coming home with us in May :)

Saint Gerard

My grandmother first told me about Saint Gerard a few months after Daniel died.  I went to her house to visit over the summer.  We talked about Daniel and about the baby that she miscarried almost 60 years ago.  She told me how she prayed a St. Gerard prayer every day while she was pregnant with my dad.  Being raised Roman Catholic, I knew there was a Patron Saint for just about everything, but had never heard of St. Gerard before.  I have experienced the power of intercessory prayers in the past….mainly when I lost something important and prayed for St. Anthony to help me find it.  I went home and searched the internet to learn more about St. Gerard.  I learned that a woman accused him of fathering her child.  He truly "turned the other cheek" and did not fight her accusations even though they were false.  The woman later repented.  I just found this article today….it was written on his feast day this year (October 16th) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-capecchi/st-gerard-majella-pregnant-women-patron-saint_b_1962214.html
I was not yet pregnant again at the time, but I decided to order some prayer cards, a Novena prayer booklet, and I was surprised to find a St. Gerard Motherhood kit that contained prayers, medals, and a small statue.  http://www.catholicgiftstores.com/st-gerard-intercessory-prayer-kit-p-sgemk02.html


When my things arrived, I unexpectedly found a prayer for Motherhood.  I thought the prayers were just for those who were already expecting.  We began praying this beautiful prayer and very soon after conceived this little baby I now carry.

Prayer to St. Gerard for Motherhood

O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, and wonder worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help.  You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will.  Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven.  Amen.

Ever since we found out we are expecting again, we have prayed this prayer every night:

Prayer to St. Gerard for a Safe Delivery 

O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love.  O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

19 weeks

This is the week that my pregnancy with Daniel ended.  We went to our anatomy ultrasound so full of joy and excitement, only to have all of that taken away in an instant.  All of our hopes and dreams for our first child were crushed.  Our hearts….feeling pain like they had never felt before.  

This time IS going to be different.  I have been feeling flicks and flutters lately which are so wonderful and reassuring- way more movement than I ever felt with Daniel.  I am trying my best to think positive, happy thoughts.  I go to yoga.  I pray more than I ever have.  I trust God that He is protecting this baby and answering our prayers with a "Yes!".  I believe Daniel is the best guardian angel his little brother or sister could ask for.  I believe in the power of intercessory prayer through the Blessed Mother and St. Gerard (the Patron Saint of Expectant Mothers).   It is still difficult, though.  There is that bit of fear that is creeping in….a shield that I don't want to completely take down because I am scared.  In addition to the anxiety over this particular ultrasound for this new baby, it is hard to have all of the painful memories from May 15th come rushing back.  I tried to make the things I could control, different.  May 15th was a Tuesday and our appointment was in the afternoon.  This time, the ultrasound is scheduled for December 12th, a Wednesday, in the morning.  I was 19 weeks 2 days the day of Daniel's ultrasound.  I will be 19 weeks 5 days with this baby.

The time seems to be going by fast, at least.  I think part of that has to do with the fact that I haven't made any big announcements, so I don't have people constantly throughout the work day asking me about my pregnancy.  Well-meaning, I'm sure, but just not talking about it seems to make the time go by a lot faster!  Plus, the first half of the school year always seems to fly by and the second half drags.  I think that has something to do with it, too.  Hopefully the next 21 weeks will go by just as quick because I am excited to meet this little baby, healthy and alive in my arms!  It WILL happen!!!