"Is this your first?"

I HATE getting asked this question these days.  I'm sure I've asked it in the past not knowing all the pain it can cause to someone who has lost a baby.  Mostly, I try to tell people about Daniel when I can.  But sometimes, I just can't given the situation.  Yesterday I met someone who is 9 weeks pregnant with her first.  When she asked me about my pregnancy and if this little girl is my first, I had no choice but to say yes.  I wasn't about to scare and worry her by telling her my experience and that a positive pregnancy test doesn't always mean you get to bring your baby home 9 months later.  It hurt me so much to lie and have to pretend for a minute that Daniel never existed.  I woke up thinking about it and couldn't hold back my tears any longer.  Starting the day crying just exhausts and drains me for the rest of the day. It's still such a struggle to balance and make room in your heart for both grief and joy at the same time.  I want both of my babies here with me.