Sunday, January 27, 2013
"Is this your first?"
I HATE getting asked this question these days. I'm sure I've asked it in the past not knowing all the pain it can cause to someone who has lost a baby. Mostly, I try to tell people about Daniel when I can. But sometimes, I just can't given the situation. Yesterday I met someone who is 9 weeks pregnant with her first. When she asked me about my pregnancy and if this little girl is my first, I had no choice but to say yes. I wasn't about to scare and worry her by telling her my experience and that a positive pregnancy test doesn't always mean you get to bring your baby home 9 months later. It hurt me so much to lie and have to pretend for a minute that Daniel never existed. I woke up thinking about it and couldn't hold back my tears any longer. Starting the day crying just exhausts and drains me for the rest of the day. It's still such a struggle to balance and make room in your heart for both grief and joy at the same time. I want both of my babies here with me.
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I have three kiddos, and just lost my 4th... So far it's still fresh enough that most people around me know what's going on, and wouldn't ask such a question, but I know the day will eventually come when I will be faced with the "how many children do you have?" dilemma. I've thought about it a lot, and as of yet, I really don't know what my answer will be!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss! It's never an easy question....sometimes depends on the situation what my answer is. Even if I do say 1, or yes this is my first, I never forget my little boy. I used to feel so guilty for saying yes to this question but I've gotten better with that. Your angel knows you will never forget.
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