The tears still come

I have been doing pretty well this week.  School is off to a pretty smooth start and I have been feeling for the most part pretty good physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  But there are still those moments when all the sad feelings come rushing back and I remember that intense pain again.  This week the triggers have been writing down lesson dates for the month of October and writing in my paper journal to Daniel.  Yesterday, I was typing up my lesson schedules at school,  and when I started typing the October dates, all of those emotions just started coming back.  I thought to myself, "I should not even be here during October (and November, December, and January).  I should be on maternity leave then."  But I won't be……and it still hurts….a lot.  Today, I was writing in my journal to Daniel and it was a combination of a lot of things that made me break down.  I keep his sonogram pictures tucked in the inside of the journal.  He was just so adorable…..so perfectly formed….everything down to his cute little toes that I would have kissed so much.  He was so precious and I will never understand why he had to die before he ever got the chance to be hugged, or kissed, or held by his parents or even take his first breath.  It is quite special that we have our own little angel to watch over us and pray for us, but I still want him back here with us.

A very special giraffe

On May 13, 2012, I celebrated Mother's Day honoring my own mom, grandmother, godmother, and of course as the mommy of my sweet baby boy in my belly.  Tyler got me the sweetest card and a musical teddy bear.  The bear was in the cutest gift bag.  The gift bag had a fuzzy giraffe on it with the prettiest colors just perfect for a baby.  I had envisioned doing the nursery in a giraffe theme already, and I said, "This bag is just too nice to throw away!  I'm going to cut out the giraffe and frame it to hang in the nursery!"  Well, that bag was painfully staring us in the face when we got home from that dreadful day at the doctor's…..I almost threw it away.  I'm so glad I didn't.

After we cleaned out the upstairs room that's supposed to be the nursery a couple weeks ago, I decided to go ahead with my framing idea.  I had to dig through the bag of baby things to get to it, and that was hard, but I was strong enough to finish my project.  We hung it on the wall a few nights ago.  I was so sad when I put it up there knowing Daniel will never be in that room to enjoy his giraffe picture or any of the other stuff we got and would have gotten for him.  But, I like knowing that that room is ready….and having that framed giraffe in there from my first Mother's Day gift….it is a special way to have Daniel remain as part of that room….and a reminder that he will be there watching over his little brother or sister someday.  I love you, Daniel James!!!

Emotional Overload

School started back up again this week.  Monday, today, and tomorrow are teacher work days and then the students come.  I was so anxious about going back.  I absolutely dreaded the inevitable "How was your summer?!" questions that are so excitedly and cheerfully thrown around at the beginning of the year.  I wondered how everyone would treat me and if it would be awkward.  I didn't know how I would handle being around the newly pregnant teachers.

Monday morning I broke down and cried as Tyler and I were saying goodbye in the garage and getting ready to go our separate ways for the day.  Going to a funeral for a former teacher and member of the church I grew up in later that morning was a painful reminder of Daniel's passing.  It was an awfully weird first day back. But it got better as the day went on.

This morning I felt pretty good, but shortly after arriving at school, I felt myself falling apart.  As a start to the morning meeting, the staff was sharing summer experiences aloud.  I felt the hot tears coming and I started to panic.  I knew I would start crying in front of everyone if I had to talk about my summer.  I left the meeting, went and sat in another room and cried.  My summer was the complete opposite of how I thought it would be.  Our trips to Niagara Falls and Presque Isle were definitely nice, but most of the summer I spent crying and grieving.

I can honestly say that I have the most supportive and caring colleagues in the world and they have been incredibly understanding to the fact that I am coming into this year still very much in the midst of grieving.  Just having some come up to me and say, "I've been thinking about you" means so much.

As far as all the anger I was feeling last week goes…..I have been trying to let it go.  At church this past Sunday I was just feeling tired…..tired of the anger, the questions, the anxiety, the hurt, the doubt…just everything.  I asked God to just take it all away from me.  The sadness for Daniel remains, but I really trust that God will bless us with the beautiful children that we were meant to keep here on Earth with us.  I still miss Daniel, I always always will.  But I trust that God has good and happy things in store for us.  Hopefully soon!

Birth Certificate

After coming across this recent article (http://blog.nj.com/njv_guest_blog/2012/07/after_baby_is_stillborn_grievi.html) and doing some research, I found out that states vary in their definitions of stillbirth. In Pennsylvania, the death of a baby is considered a stillbirth at 16 weeks gestation or more. Since we lost Daniel at nearly 20 weeks, our son is considered to have been a stillborn baby.  I found an application on the Vital Records website to apply for a birth certificate for Daniel.  I just finished filling out the form and getting together the other documents to send.  I know that other moms fought hard for this legislation to pass and I am so grateful to them. Because of their hard work, the state of Pennsylvania recognizes the life of our son. I think one of the worst fears of a baby loss mom is that her child or children will be forgotten because they were not as visible to the outside world. I was the one who felt my body change and felt Daniel's little flutters of movement. Tyler and I were the only ones who heard his beautiful heartbeat and saw him on the ultrasound screen.  To the rest of the world, there were not many tangible signs that I had a little human inside of me.  Obviously as his parents, we were most connected to him. When Daniel died, parts of us literally died with him. To have our state recognize his life and essentially say, "Your son mattered. He deserves a birth certificate just like anyone else." is very special. Off to the post office to mail it now - hopefully there will be no complications with getting it processed and receiving Daniel's "Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth" certificate.

Tears & Still Angry

Sometimes I think I couldn't possibly have any more tears left.  But there are always more.  Lately, they have come when I least expect it.  I like to be in control of myself and I like having plans.  It takes me by surprise when something unexpected happens and triggers the tears.  The tears are healing, but I feel so helpless when they do come.  I felt like I had regressed a bit this week.  Last night, I thought I would try and re-read parts of Empty Arms because I had read it so soon after Daniel died that it just seems like a blur.  I was looking for some comfort and words of wisdom.  As I read through some of the pages and came across the scripture the author had included to be comforting, I just started feeling worse.  This week has been full of the questions that I thought I had moved past, like: Why us? It's not fair!  Why did God let this happen?  I SPECIFICALLY prayed for a healthy baby (lots of other people did for us too) every day since I found out I was pregnant - why were those prayers denied? Why weren't they good enough?  Does God even care that I am so sad?  Does it even do any good to pray for another baby when our previous prayers were answered with what feels like a slap-in-the-face "No"?  It sure would be nice if someone could answer those questions!!  To be fair, there have been times when I have felt God's grace and love through the kindness of others.  And I have still been praying…..not sure if my prayers will be answered in the way that I want them to be, but it can't hurt to still ask.

3 months

Today is August 15th....3 months ago on May 15th, on what was supposed to be a wonderfully happy day, we found out our baby had died.  I remember the anticipation and excitement leading up to that day of our anatomy scan. I could not wait to see our baby on the screen and find out the gender for sure even though I had a pretty strong feeling we were having a boy.  That very exciting day turned out to be the very worst day of our lives.  It feels more like 3 days instead of 3 months. Later this week it will be the 18th and will be 3 months since Daniel's birthday.  Oh how I wish he was still growing in my belly instead of buried in the ground.

Yesterday was particularly rough. I cried harder and felt more despair than I have in a few weeks. I checked my work email and there was not just one, but two emails from teachers announcing their pregnancies.  I immediately burst into tears. I miss my baby boy. Why do they get to have their babies with them and I don't??  How am I supposed to face them when we pass in the hall or if I have to talk to them about something work-related?  Am I supposed to act as if nothing is wrong when I am seriously envious that their babies are alive and mine is not?  I was so excited and happy when I was pregnant, too. I guess that is how they are feeling now.  They get to be blissfully ignorant about all the things that can possibly go wrong during pregnancy and I know I will never get to experience that kind of innocence again.  Hopefully our exciting and happier days will come again soon.

Our Weekend

We are back home now after a little weekend getaway.  Yesterday was supposed to be my baby shower and I knew I had to get away and try to be distracted.  We left on Friday and went to Erie for a few days.  It was mostly overcast the whole weekend and a little chilly, but we still had a good time.  The beaches at Presque Isle State Park are so beautiful.  We had almost the whole beach to ourselves on Saturday.  Sitting with our toes in the sand, looking out on the water, breathing in the fresh air, and hearing the sound of the waves was relaxing.  Our plan to try and be distracted for the weekend worked and we had a really nice time.  But as we were sitting on the beach Saturday afternoon, I couldn't help but think that somewhere, in an alternate universe, I was missing the party…..like as if my baby shower was going on without me.  Many times I feel like the whole world is going on without me.  It still hurts so bad and I miss my baby boy so much.  

  

On the beach at Presque Isle

Hopeful

I finally had enough strength yesterday to start cleaning out the supposed-to-be baby nursery.  I had tried to do it before, but was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't.  I wish more than anything that Daniel would be welcomed into that nursery in 9 weeks.  I will never, ever stop thinking about my baby boy, but at the same time I am hopeful for the future.  I hope that Daniel will have little brothers or sisters to watch over here on Earth.  I hope that our prayers are answered.  I hope that all of the family things we envisioned doing with Daniel will still happen, but with his siblings on Earth and with him by our side in spirit.

It is not easy to be hopeful.  After so many tests on me and on Daniel, we were not able to find a medical reason for his death.  It is hard not knowing why he left us.  It is perhaps even harder to accept that since we don't know what happened, there is not much we can do differently in the future besides some increased monitoring.

It is scary, but I have to trust the doctors.  I have to trust God.  I have to trust that He will answer our prayers and we will be blessed with children to love here on Earth in addition to the angel we love so much in Heaven.

Sad

I am just plain sad today.  I should be marking 31 weeks pregnant today with Daniel.  My baby shower was supposed to be next Saturday.  It's so quiet here in our house. 9 weeks or so from now our home should be filled with the sounds of a new baby…..but it won't be.

Changed

The experience of losing my son has changed me.  I went to a new hair salon yesterday and I do really like my new haircut.  When I got home, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Wow, I look like a different person."  Then it hit me, I am a different person now.  I am forever changed and will never be the same person I was before losing Daniel.  Many things about me are the same, but my perspective has greatly changed.  I feel more deeply now.  I feel more empathy towards people in pain.  The saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" did not have much meaning to me before and now it does.  Although, I don't feel very strong.  Most times I feel fragile and weak…..like I could burst into tears at any moment.  I used to be afraid of death.  I believe I have much more work to do here on Earth, but when my time does come, I no longer feel afraid.  I feel excited that I will finally be able to hold Daniel in my arms someday.  I feel deep, unconditional, and pure love for my child.  These are changes that I can use for good in the remainder of my life.

There are also feelings that I look back on with the absolute worst pain I can ever imagine.  The shock of finding out he was gone, the gut-wrenching despair, the feeling of leaving the hospital empty-handed, the feeling of holding the wooden box that contained Daniel's ashes, the ache of empty arms as I stand over his grave, the feeling of knowing he is never coming back.  Those feelings are changes of the worst kind.

Even though I had hit rock-bottom, I can honestly say I would not trade the 5 months we had with Daniel for anything.  The time he was with us was the happiest of our lives.  Amazing how such a little person can make such a huge impact.

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

the new 'do'….the new me

Daniel's Garden

In the weeks following Daniel's passing, we were given some plants as gifts.  We were given a rose tree, 2 hydrangeas, a gardenia, and a lily.  They all lived on our deck for awhile.  When we went on vacation to Canada at the end of June, it was very hot and they didn't get watered for several days.  When we came back, I trimmed away the dead leaves and flowers.  We waited a few weeks until they started to grow again, and then we planted them outside.  They have come back beautifully and have lots of healthy growth.  Some of the buds are still small, but I know they will be just fine.  The lily is still in its planter, but we will find a space for it soon.  I never really was into growing plants or flowers, but there is something very special about taking care of beautiful, living things (especially in memory of Daniel).  I enjoy watching new buds pop up and smelling the beautiful flowers when they do bloom.

I wish every day that I was still taking care of my living baby boy.  I would be coming up on 31 weeks now.  The nursery would be very close to being ready by now.  We would have taken our baby care classes that I had signed up for.  I would be going for a prenatal check-up every 2 weeks.  I would be feeling him kick and move around inside me and Tyler would surely be feeling those kicks too.  I would be having my baby shower on August 11th.  Everything is upside down and backwards from how it would have been.  I miss my sweet baby Daniel so much.

Daniel's Garden

Gardenia with tight little buds.  Some of them have bloomed in the past and they smell wonderful.

Red begonias and white impatients in our front yard.

Yellow rose tree with our little angel statue.