Changed

The experience of losing my son has changed me.  I went to a new hair salon yesterday and I do really like my new haircut.  When I got home, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Wow, I look like a different person."  Then it hit me, I am a different person now.  I am forever changed and will never be the same person I was before losing Daniel.  Many things about me are the same, but my perspective has greatly changed.  I feel more deeply now.  I feel more empathy towards people in pain.  The saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" did not have much meaning to me before and now it does.  Although, I don't feel very strong.  Most times I feel fragile and weak…..like I could burst into tears at any moment.  I used to be afraid of death.  I believe I have much more work to do here on Earth, but when my time does come, I no longer feel afraid.  I feel excited that I will finally be able to hold Daniel in my arms someday.  I feel deep, unconditional, and pure love for my child.  These are changes that I can use for good in the remainder of my life.

There are also feelings that I look back on with the absolute worst pain I can ever imagine.  The shock of finding out he was gone, the gut-wrenching despair, the feeling of leaving the hospital empty-handed, the feeling of holding the wooden box that contained Daniel's ashes, the ache of empty arms as I stand over his grave, the feeling of knowing he is never coming back.  Those feelings are changes of the worst kind.

Even though I had hit rock-bottom, I can honestly say I would not trade the 5 months we had with Daniel for anything.  The time he was with us was the happiest of our lives.  Amazing how such a little person can make such a huge impact.

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

the new 'do'….the new me