School started back up again this week. Monday, today, and tomorrow are teacher work days and then the students come. I was so anxious about going back. I absolutely dreaded the inevitable "How was your summer?!" questions that are so excitedly and cheerfully thrown around at the beginning of the year. I wondered how everyone would treat me and if it would be awkward. I didn't know how I would handle being around the newly pregnant teachers.
Monday morning I broke down and cried as Tyler and I were saying goodbye in the garage and getting ready to go our separate ways for the day. Going to a funeral for a former teacher and member of the church I grew up in later that morning was a painful reminder of Daniel's passing. It was an awfully weird first day back. But it got better as the day went on.
This morning I felt pretty good, but shortly after arriving at school, I felt myself falling apart. As a start to the morning meeting, the staff was sharing summer experiences aloud. I felt the hot tears coming and I started to panic. I knew I would start crying in front of everyone if I had to talk about my summer. I left the meeting, went and sat in another room and cried. My summer was the complete opposite of how I thought it would be. Our trips to Niagara Falls and Presque Isle were definitely nice, but most of the summer I spent crying and grieving.
I can honestly say that I have the most supportive and caring colleagues in the world and they have been incredibly understanding to the fact that I am coming into this year still very much in the midst of grieving. Just having some come up to me and say, "I've been thinking about you" means so much.
As far as all the anger I was feeling last week goes…..I have been trying to let it go. At church this past Sunday I was just feeling tired…..tired of the anger, the questions, the anxiety, the hurt, the doubt…just everything. I asked God to just take it all away from me. The sadness for Daniel remains, but I really trust that God will bless us with the beautiful children that we were meant to keep here on Earth with us. I still miss Daniel, I always always will. But I trust that God has good and happy things in store for us. Hopefully soon!
I came upon your blog through The Sisterhood of Loss :)
ReplyDeleteI return to work on Monday after being gone since July 10th. You've encouraged me that it's okay if I fall apart, and that it will probably happen. I don't know how to function in the life I lived before, you know? I don't know how devastating it will be to see life carried on while I grieved. During the summer, when I was supposed to be buying cute things for my little Carlie Wren, I was burying her and trying to make it through a day without crying. I understand, beautiful friend. So very well. Praying for you.
Hi Ash,
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet Carlie. I will be thinking about and praying for you and your return to work. I was so anxious, nervous, and just not looking forward to going back to work and facing everyone. My fear of not being able to hold myself together did come true, but people certainly did not say shame on you….they hugged me and talked to me and showed that they care. I am willing to bet that your colleagues will do the same. I'm glad that I have encouraged you :) That's the whole reason I started my blog…..that maybe someone who is hurting like I am will find a little bit of comfort in knowing they are not alone. All the blogs I have been reading have really helped me, so I am so glad to do the same for someone else.