The question that still stings

17 months after losing our Daniel...Our sweet Madeline is 5 1/2 months old and everyone just oohs and ahhs over her anytime we go out...she is so adorable so of course I can't blame them! We talk a little, Maddie gives a big smile, and then they ask that question. "Is she your first?" Part of me wants to say no, part of me wonders why they would even ask that when Tyler and I are both there with her, and the other part just smiles and nods yes because I don't feel like making things awkward for the person asking.  It still hurts though. I still feel that twinge and that little bit of guilt for saying "yes" because as amazing and wonderful and incredibly loved as Maddie is, she's not our first child. She just isn't.

I have to say though, that it is so good to feel joy again... a joy I've never known before...my heart is so full and happy when I hold my baby girl. Being a mom is definitely hard in a lot of ways...but even  those most challenging moments are quickly put into perspective when I remember what a blessing it is to have her here and I am grateful for very moment with her...moments I will never have with her brother. 

One Year

One year ago today we left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels longer.  It still hurts....a lot. Even a quick fleeting thought about our little boy brings tears fast.  What a year it has been. Daniel's sister (Madeline Claire)  was born right on her due date 2 weeks ago. She is an incredible blessing and a beautiful baby. I find myself often wondering what kind of baby Daniel would have been like....would he have the same funny facial expressions as Maddie...would he be a good sleeper....what would it be like to have our baby boy here who would be 7 months old had he been born when he was due in October.  I will always wonder why and what if. Maddie brings us so much happiness but there will always be a piece of my heart that lives in Heaven.

"Is this your first?"

I HATE getting asked this question these days.  I'm sure I've asked it in the past not knowing all the pain it can cause to someone who has lost a baby.  Mostly, I try to tell people about Daniel when I can.  But sometimes, I just can't given the situation.  Yesterday I met someone who is 9 weeks pregnant with her first.  When she asked me about my pregnancy and if this little girl is my first, I had no choice but to say yes.  I wasn't about to scare and worry her by telling her my experience and that a positive pregnancy test doesn't always mean you get to bring your baby home 9 months later.  It hurt me so much to lie and have to pretend for a minute that Daniel never existed.  I woke up thinking about it and couldn't hold back my tears any longer.  Starting the day crying just exhausts and drains me for the rest of the day. It's still such a struggle to balance and make room in your heart for both grief and joy at the same time.  I want both of my babies here with me.