Praying for our Rainbow

13 weeks pregnant….the time when most women breathe a huge sigh of relief in their pregnancies. As I enter my second trimester for the second time this year, I am happy, sad, excited, scared, anxious, and so much more.   We have had several ultrasounds so far and heard this little one's heartbeat twice now on the doppler.  Our NT scan and first trimester screening results were very good.  I should have no reason to worry….but I do.  I found myself sobbing today and begging God to please spare us the pain of losing another child.  I am trying to trust again, but it is so, so hard.  

I hear and see birth announcements and I wonder if we will ever get there.  Others announce their pregnancies with such joy and carefree excitement.  I try to hide mine and keep my emotions guarded.  I am tired of living in anxiety and fear.  It is exhausting and no fun.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy.  I know I will never get this time back.  I do write love letters to this little baby in a journal with the hope that he or she will be able to read them someday.  I try to take comfort in the fact that many people are praying for us and that we too are lifting this little one in prayer every night.  But still, the fear remains.      

I understand now that in our brokenness and pain, God can work all things for our good.  My heart still hurts for Daniel, but maybe I am even at the point of acceptance in my grief.  God has already worked some beautiful things out of our tragedy.  I know in my mind that He works all things for our good and His glory, but in my heart I am saying, "Please, please don't allow us to suffer like that again."  I have to believe our prayers will be answered and this pregnancy will end with the birth of a live and healthy baby.     

Days like these are tough

It's days like these that I miss Daniel the most.  A whole Saturday, with nothing much to do except think about how much I miss my little boy.  Tyler had to work today so I am home by myself.  Poor guy, he is sick and I really wish he could have stayed home today for that reason especially.

I finally worked up the motivation to shower, get dressed, go get gas, go to the bank, and take a walk.  But really, I was feeling so down that I didn't feel like doing anything.  A friend was having a party this evening….I thought about going, but didn't feel up to it.  It takes a lot of energy for me to be in social situations since losing my baby.  It's hard to put on that happy face and make small talk.  It especially makes me uneasy to be around people who don't know about my loss because I dread they may ask if I have any children.  I haven't had to deal with that one yet.  I'm sure it will come up eventually…..but I'm glad I have avoided it thus far.  It shouldn't be this way.  I should be taking care of my newborn son today and dealing with every joy and challenge that a new baby brings.  

Due Date

Today was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  The date we had looked forward to for so long since our first prenatal doctor's appointment last February.  The date I had put in my calendar with exclamation points and smiley faces.  A day that I had hoped would bring happiness and new life around the time that carries much sadness in our family (Tyler's brother Shawn died suddenly of a heart attack on 10/8/09).  But no, it is a day that adds to the sadness.  Never in a million years did I think I would be visiting our son's grave instead of holding him in my arms this day.  It makes me so sad to think of what could have been and what might have been.  Would we be in the hospital labor and delivery tonight?  Would we be holding our son in our arms?  Would we still be anxiously awaiting his arrival?  So many questions and no answers.  It is also the end of an era so to speak….the official end of my pregnancy time period with Daniel.  No more thinking, I would be 30 weeks or 35 weeks or whatever today.  No more wondering how big my belly would be or how I would be feeling or what his kicks would feel like.  Yes, it made me very sad to think about those things over the past few months, but it is also sad to pass this milestone.

We tried to make the best of the day.   I could help but start crying even before I got out of bed.  But Tyler and I held each other tight and it is a good feeling to know neither of us have to go through this alone.  We went to church a little early and lit and candle for our sweet little boy.  Tyler also had a great idea to cut some mums from our yard to take to the cemetery.  We went to the cemetery after church and the fall flowers looked so beautiful laid on his stone.  We took a drive, did a little shopping, and went to dinner.  Glad the day is almost over.  I love you so much Daniel, and I always will!

October

October has arrived.  I should be starting my maternity leave at the end of this week.  I couldn't help but think at school today, that this should have been my last week of work until the end of January.  I would be wrapping things up and getting everything in order for a sub.  I wonder how big my belly would be….how excited we would be to welcome our little boy in possibly just a few short days….or maybe he would have arrived a week or two early.  But our sweet little October baby arrived long ago……much too soon.  And without a heartbeat.  I still miss him terribly.  I still tear up each day….usually driving to and from school.  Sometimes I still can't believe it's real, that this is my life now.  That my first pregnancy really ended the way it did.  It's not fair.  It never will be.  There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.