Due Date

Today was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  The date we had looked forward to for so long since our first prenatal doctor's appointment last February.  The date I had put in my calendar with exclamation points and smiley faces.  A day that I had hoped would bring happiness and new life around the time that carries much sadness in our family (Tyler's brother Shawn died suddenly of a heart attack on 10/8/09).  But no, it is a day that adds to the sadness.  Never in a million years did I think I would be visiting our son's grave instead of holding him in my arms this day.  It makes me so sad to think of what could have been and what might have been.  Would we be in the hospital labor and delivery tonight?  Would we be holding our son in our arms?  Would we still be anxiously awaiting his arrival?  So many questions and no answers.  It is also the end of an era so to speak….the official end of my pregnancy time period with Daniel.  No more thinking, I would be 30 weeks or 35 weeks or whatever today.  No more wondering how big my belly would be or how I would be feeling or what his kicks would feel like.  Yes, it made me very sad to think about those things over the past few months, but it is also sad to pass this milestone.

We tried to make the best of the day.   I could help but start crying even before I got out of bed.  But Tyler and I held each other tight and it is a good feeling to know neither of us have to go through this alone.  We went to church a little early and lit and candle for our sweet little boy.  Tyler also had a great idea to cut some mums from our yard to take to the cemetery.  We went to the cemetery after church and the fall flowers looked so beautiful laid on his stone.  We took a drive, did a little shopping, and went to dinner.  Glad the day is almost over.  I love you so much Daniel, and I always will!