13 weeks pregnant….the time when most women breathe a huge sigh of relief in their pregnancies. As I enter my second trimester for the second time this year, I am happy, sad, excited, scared, anxious, and so much more. We have had several ultrasounds so far and heard this little one's heartbeat twice now on the doppler. Our NT scan and first trimester screening results were very good. I should have no reason to worry….but I do. I found myself sobbing today and begging God to please spare us the pain of losing another child. I am trying to trust again, but it is so, so hard.
I hear and see birth announcements and I wonder if we will ever get there. Others announce their pregnancies with such joy and carefree excitement. I try to hide mine and keep my emotions guarded. I am tired of living in anxiety and fear. It is exhausting and no fun. I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I know I will never get this time back. I do write love letters to this little baby in a journal with the hope that he or she will be able to read them someday. I try to take comfort in the fact that many people are praying for us and that we too are lifting this little one in prayer every night. But still, the fear remains.
I understand now that in our brokenness and pain, God can work all things for our good. My heart still hurts for Daniel, but maybe I am even at the point of acceptance in my grief. God has already worked some beautiful things out of our tragedy. I know in my mind that He works all things for our good and His glory, but in my heart I am saying, "Please, please don't allow us to suffer like that again." I have to believe our prayers will be answered and this pregnancy will end with the birth of a live and healthy baby.
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