I finally had enough strength yesterday to start cleaning out the supposed-to-be baby nursery. I had tried to do it before, but was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't. I wish more than anything that Daniel would be welcomed into that nursery in 9 weeks. I will never, ever stop thinking about my baby boy, but at the same time I am hopeful for the future. I hope that Daniel will have little brothers or sisters to watch over here on Earth. I hope that our prayers are answered. I hope that all of the family things we envisioned doing with Daniel will still happen, but with his siblings on Earth and with him by our side in spirit.
It is not easy to be hopeful. After so many tests on me and on Daniel, we were not able to find a medical reason for his death. It is hard not knowing why he left us. It is perhaps even harder to accept that since we don't know what happened, there is not much we can do differently in the future besides some increased monitoring.
It is scary, but I have to trust the doctors. I have to trust God. I have to trust that He will answer our prayers and we will be blessed with children to love here on Earth in addition to the angel we love so much in Heaven.
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