The tears still come

I have been doing pretty well this week.  School is off to a pretty smooth start and I have been feeling for the most part pretty good physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  But there are still those moments when all the sad feelings come rushing back and I remember that intense pain again.  This week the triggers have been writing down lesson dates for the month of October and writing in my paper journal to Daniel.  Yesterday, I was typing up my lesson schedules at school,  and when I started typing the October dates, all of those emotions just started coming back.  I thought to myself, "I should not even be here during October (and November, December, and January).  I should be on maternity leave then."  But I won't be……and it still hurts….a lot.  Today, I was writing in my journal to Daniel and it was a combination of a lot of things that made me break down.  I keep his sonogram pictures tucked in the inside of the journal.  He was just so adorable…..so perfectly formed….everything down to his cute little toes that I would have kissed so much.  He was so precious and I will never understand why he had to die before he ever got the chance to be hugged, or kissed, or held by his parents or even take his first breath.  It is quite special that we have our own little angel to watch over us and pray for us, but I still want him back here with us.