Does anybody know how hard this is????????!!!!!!

It's starting to feel like fall.  The air is cool and crisp, the mums are in bloom, and the leaves are just starting to turn colors.  Normally I love the fall.  But this year it is just a painful reminder that our October baby boy will not be arriving soon.  I dread October 7th.  It's still 3 weeks away and I am already starting to panic about how incredibly hard that day will be.  October 7th was supposed to be Daniel's due date.  I see women with big, pregnant bellies and I can't help but think that I should look like that now.  I should be 37 weeks today.  Full term.  We should be getting ready to welcome our baby boy very soon.  It seems everyone around me is just gliding right through their pregnancies without a care in the world.  Yesterday was 4 months since we learned our sweet boy had died.  Most everything in my world was good on May 14th.  The next day our lives were changed forever.  On  May 15th everything was turned upside down.  I guess my life feels like it can be divided into 2 distinct parts……before May 15th, and after May 15th.  Lately my mind seems to be wandering back to that horrible day.  Babies aren't supposed to die after you pass that "magical" point of the end of the first trimester.  Doctors tell you that cramping and bleeding are signs of a problem.  If you don't have cramping or bleeding, you must be fine, right?  Wrong.  No one told me your baby can die inside of you and you have no idea.  I still feel so cheated…..so robbed……so sad.  I feel hopeful for happier times to come in the future, but the lingering sadness of losing Daniel is still so overwhelming.