It is Friday. All week I look forward to the weekend….but then when it finally arrives I feel such intense sadness again. I guess because all week I am busy and making sure my students are taken care of….Friday hits and then I realize again I have more time to think about me. I do look forward to catching up on sleep and spending time with Tyler on the weekends, but it's hard to have down time and be missing Daniel terribly.
Today was a particularly tough Friday. I thought about Daniel nearly every minute of the day. The day started off by receiving yet another all-staff email from a colleague that she is pregnant. This is the 4th email in a month. I get that it is a really happy time for them…..but I just don't see how they can seem so worry free. Maybe they aren't….but that's the impression I get. It seems even after knowing what happened to me, everyone is still under the impression that you are somehow "safe" once you pass that magical point of your first trimester ending. I certainly hope they are and don't have to ever endure the heartache that I have. I have been avoiding the staff lounge like the plague and just eating lunch in my room because the thought of being around baby talk is just way more than I can handle. I know I can't expect the rest of the world to stop turning because it feels like mine has…..but sometimes I think it should.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Does anybody know how hard this is????????!!!!!!
It's starting to feel like fall. The air is cool and crisp, the mums are in bloom, and the leaves are just starting to turn colors. Normally I love the fall. But this year it is just a painful reminder that our October baby boy will not be arriving soon. I dread October 7th. It's still 3 weeks away and I am already starting to panic about how incredibly hard that day will be. October 7th was supposed to be Daniel's due date. I see women with big, pregnant bellies and I can't help but think that I should look like that now. I should be 37 weeks today. Full term. We should be getting ready to welcome our baby boy very soon. It seems everyone around me is just gliding right through their pregnancies without a care in the world. Yesterday was 4 months since we learned our sweet boy had died. Most everything in my world was good on May 14th. The next day our lives were changed forever. On May 15th everything was turned upside down. I guess my life feels like it can be divided into 2 distinct parts……before May 15th, and after May 15th. Lately my mind seems to be wandering back to that horrible day. Babies aren't supposed to die after you pass that "magical" point of the end of the first trimester. Doctors tell you that cramping and bleeding are signs of a problem. If you don't have cramping or bleeding, you must be fine, right? Wrong. No one told me your baby can die inside of you and you have no idea. I still feel so cheated…..so robbed……so sad. I feel hopeful for happier times to come in the future, but the lingering sadness of losing Daniel is still so overwhelming.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
A different perspective
I was thinking about all of the people I've met either online or in person and all of the stories I've read as a result of losing Daniel. I realized how much my perspective has changed in the past few months. My perspective about everything really…..but one thing in particular is our society's view on others having children. People just casually ask, "So, are you thinking about having children anytime soon?" or, "I bet so and so would really love a little brother or sister." I remember being at a baby shower once and someone at the table I was sitting at asked another girl if she had any kids. The girl said no, and then the other person said something along the lines of, "Well, you'll be next!" The girl just kind of got quiet and looked away.
I used to not think much of these comments and honestly I didn't see why some people got so offended. I'm ashamed to say that I assumed that if people didn't have children, it was because they didn't want them. Oh my goodness how much perspective has changed……….not wanting children could certainly be a possibility, but now I have realized that there are SO many more reasons why a couple might not have children. Heartbreaking reasons. Maybe they struggle with infertility. Maybe they lost their baby like I did. Maybe they have had multiple miscarriages and are too weary to try again.
Back in June, we went away for our 3rd wedding anniversary and I got a massage at our hotel. The masseuse was making small talk and when she found out we had been married for 3 years, she asked if we were planning on starting a family anytime soon. I was very blunt and honest. "Umm….we tried. Our son died when I was 5 months pregnant." She was pretty compassionate and told me a story about her friend who suffered multiple early losses. But still…..why do people think they can just ask such a personal and private question like it is no big deal?! I used to be one of those people…..so I guess I see why. They don't know any better. They think they are asking a harmless question. They don't realize what a big deal it really is. So, for anyone who may read this that hasn't suffered a loss, think twice before you ask someone that question. You never know what their journey is about.
I used to not think much of these comments and honestly I didn't see why some people got so offended. I'm ashamed to say that I assumed that if people didn't have children, it was because they didn't want them. Oh my goodness how much perspective has changed……….not wanting children could certainly be a possibility, but now I have realized that there are SO many more reasons why a couple might not have children. Heartbreaking reasons. Maybe they struggle with infertility. Maybe they lost their baby like I did. Maybe they have had multiple miscarriages and are too weary to try again.
Back in June, we went away for our 3rd wedding anniversary and I got a massage at our hotel. The masseuse was making small talk and when she found out we had been married for 3 years, she asked if we were planning on starting a family anytime soon. I was very blunt and honest. "Umm….we tried. Our son died when I was 5 months pregnant." She was pretty compassionate and told me a story about her friend who suffered multiple early losses. But still…..why do people think they can just ask such a personal and private question like it is no big deal?! I used to be one of those people…..so I guess I see why. They don't know any better. They think they are asking a harmless question. They don't realize what a big deal it really is. So, for anyone who may read this that hasn't suffered a loss, think twice before you ask someone that question. You never know what their journey is about.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The tears still come
I have been doing pretty well this week. School is off to a pretty smooth start and I have been feeling for the most part pretty good physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But there are still those moments when all the sad feelings come rushing back and I remember that intense pain again. This week the triggers have been writing down lesson dates for the month of October and writing in my paper journal to Daniel. Yesterday, I was typing up my lesson schedules at school, and when I started typing the October dates, all of those emotions just started coming back. I thought to myself, "I should not even be here during October (and November, December, and January). I should be on maternity leave then." But I won't be……and it still hurts….a lot. Today, I was writing in my journal to Daniel and it was a combination of a lot of things that made me break down. I keep his sonogram pictures tucked in the inside of the journal. He was just so adorable…..so perfectly formed….everything down to his cute little toes that I would have kissed so much. He was so precious and I will never understand why he had to die before he ever got the chance to be hugged, or kissed, or held by his parents or even take his first breath. It is quite special that we have our own little angel to watch over us and pray for us, but I still want him back here with us.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
A very special giraffe
On May 13, 2012, I celebrated Mother's Day honoring my own mom, grandmother, godmother, and of course as the mommy of my sweet baby boy in my belly. Tyler got me the sweetest card and a musical teddy bear. The bear was in the cutest gift bag. The gift bag had a fuzzy giraffe on it with the prettiest colors just perfect for a baby. I had envisioned doing the nursery in a giraffe theme already, and I said, "This bag is just too nice to throw away! I'm going to cut out the giraffe and frame it to hang in the nursery!" Well, that bag was painfully staring us in the face when we got home from that dreadful day at the doctor's…..I almost threw it away. I'm so glad I didn't.
After we cleaned out the upstairs room that's supposed to be the nursery a couple weeks ago, I decided to go ahead with my framing idea. I had to dig through the bag of baby things to get to it, and that was hard, but I was strong enough to finish my project. We hung it on the wall a few nights ago. I was so sad when I put it up there knowing Daniel will never be in that room to enjoy his giraffe picture or any of the other stuff we got and would have gotten for him. But, I like knowing that that room is ready….and having that framed giraffe in there from my first Mother's Day gift….it is a special way to have Daniel remain as part of that room….and a reminder that he will be there watching over his little brother or sister someday. I love you, Daniel James!!!
After we cleaned out the upstairs room that's supposed to be the nursery a couple weeks ago, I decided to go ahead with my framing idea. I had to dig through the bag of baby things to get to it, and that was hard, but I was strong enough to finish my project. We hung it on the wall a few nights ago. I was so sad when I put it up there knowing Daniel will never be in that room to enjoy his giraffe picture or any of the other stuff we got and would have gotten for him. But, I like knowing that that room is ready….and having that framed giraffe in there from my first Mother's Day gift….it is a special way to have Daniel remain as part of that room….and a reminder that he will be there watching over his little brother or sister someday. I love you, Daniel James!!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Emotional Overload
School started back up again this week. Monday, today, and tomorrow are teacher work days and then the students come. I was so anxious about going back. I absolutely dreaded the inevitable "How was your summer?!" questions that are so excitedly and cheerfully thrown around at the beginning of the year. I wondered how everyone would treat me and if it would be awkward. I didn't know how I would handle being around the newly pregnant teachers.
Monday morning I broke down and cried as Tyler and I were saying goodbye in the garage and getting ready to go our separate ways for the day. Going to a funeral for a former teacher and member of the church I grew up in later that morning was a painful reminder of Daniel's passing. It was an awfully weird first day back. But it got better as the day went on.
This morning I felt pretty good, but shortly after arriving at school, I felt myself falling apart. As a start to the morning meeting, the staff was sharing summer experiences aloud. I felt the hot tears coming and I started to panic. I knew I would start crying in front of everyone if I had to talk about my summer. I left the meeting, went and sat in another room and cried. My summer was the complete opposite of how I thought it would be. Our trips to Niagara Falls and Presque Isle were definitely nice, but most of the summer I spent crying and grieving.
I can honestly say that I have the most supportive and caring colleagues in the world and they have been incredibly understanding to the fact that I am coming into this year still very much in the midst of grieving. Just having some come up to me and say, "I've been thinking about you" means so much.
As far as all the anger I was feeling last week goes…..I have been trying to let it go. At church this past Sunday I was just feeling tired…..tired of the anger, the questions, the anxiety, the hurt, the doubt…just everything. I asked God to just take it all away from me. The sadness for Daniel remains, but I really trust that God will bless us with the beautiful children that we were meant to keep here on Earth with us. I still miss Daniel, I always always will. But I trust that God has good and happy things in store for us. Hopefully soon!
Monday morning I broke down and cried as Tyler and I were saying goodbye in the garage and getting ready to go our separate ways for the day. Going to a funeral for a former teacher and member of the church I grew up in later that morning was a painful reminder of Daniel's passing. It was an awfully weird first day back. But it got better as the day went on.
This morning I felt pretty good, but shortly after arriving at school, I felt myself falling apart. As a start to the morning meeting, the staff was sharing summer experiences aloud. I felt the hot tears coming and I started to panic. I knew I would start crying in front of everyone if I had to talk about my summer. I left the meeting, went and sat in another room and cried. My summer was the complete opposite of how I thought it would be. Our trips to Niagara Falls and Presque Isle were definitely nice, but most of the summer I spent crying and grieving.
I can honestly say that I have the most supportive and caring colleagues in the world and they have been incredibly understanding to the fact that I am coming into this year still very much in the midst of grieving. Just having some come up to me and say, "I've been thinking about you" means so much.
As far as all the anger I was feeling last week goes…..I have been trying to let it go. At church this past Sunday I was just feeling tired…..tired of the anger, the questions, the anxiety, the hurt, the doubt…just everything. I asked God to just take it all away from me. The sadness for Daniel remains, but I really trust that God will bless us with the beautiful children that we were meant to keep here on Earth with us. I still miss Daniel, I always always will. But I trust that God has good and happy things in store for us. Hopefully soon!
Friday, August 17, 2012
Birth Certificate
After coming across this recent article (http://blog.nj.com/njv_guest_blog/2012/07/after_baby_is_stillborn_grievi.html) and doing some research, I found out that states vary in their definitions of stillbirth. In Pennsylvania, the death of a baby is considered a stillbirth at 16 weeks gestation or more. Since we lost Daniel at nearly 20 weeks, our son is considered to have been a stillborn baby. I found an application on the Vital Records website to apply for a birth certificate for Daniel. I just finished filling out the form and getting together the other documents to send. I know that other moms fought hard for this legislation to pass and I am so grateful to them. Because of their hard work, the state of Pennsylvania recognizes the life of our son. I think one of the worst fears of a baby loss mom is that her child or children will be forgotten because they were not as visible to the outside world. I was the one who felt my body change and felt Daniel's little flutters of movement. Tyler and I were the only ones who heard his beautiful heartbeat and saw him on the ultrasound screen. To the rest of the world, there were not many tangible signs that I had a little human inside of me. Obviously as his parents, we were most connected to him. When Daniel died, parts of us literally died with him. To have our state recognize his life and essentially say, "Your son mattered. He deserves a birth certificate just like anyone else." is very special. Off to the post office to mail it now - hopefully there will be no complications with getting it processed and receiving Daniel's "Certificate of Birth resulting in Stillbirth" certificate.
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